On Tuesday evening in Toronto, the American League East battle between the Yankees and Blue Jays quickly devolved into a moment that will live in infamy, as well as one of the great enduring mysteries of our time.
Right after we get to deciphering who, exactly, Alanis Morrissette wrote "You Oughtta Know" about, the world will move on to figuring out which Yankees player, coach, executive, or fan was referred to as "Fat Boy" by Blue Jays manager John Schneider midway through a third-inning argument.
With two men on and one out, Schneider decided to get precious about Yankees third base coach Luis Rojas once again, demanding (alongside pitching coach Pete Walker) that Rojas return to the third base coaching box AT ONCE. POST HASTE. NO TIME FOR DELAY.
Never mind the fact that the Jays' third base coach spent the better part of this game nowhere near the box. It was time to get angry. It was time to get very hypocritically angry.
Schneider and Walker went off, getting the umpire's attention and, famously, gesturing towards someone on the Yankees' side while mouthing the dismissive insult, "Shut up, fat boy." Who ... is ... fat enough to be the target of Schneider's ire?!
Which Yankees player or coach did Blue Jays manager John Schneider call "fat boy"?
Aaron Boone, despite his relatively svelte physique, is a -250 favorite here. Luis Rojas, whom Schneider was already angry at, is +140. Jose Trevino is +220. An umpire, for some reason, is +340. Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is +1000.
Hopefully, the Yankees' beat reporters remember this little tidbit, buried deep in this complete mess of a game, and ask Boone to comment on it after the final out.
There's a lot to go over, but this is by far the most interesting thing that happened tonight.
Shortly after Fat Boy-Gate, the Jays' agitation worked, as the umpiring crew huddled together and ejected Domingo Germán from the proceedings, screwing the Yankees for the duration of his 10-day suspension.
It's good to know the Jays can be petulant, paranoid and red-faced angry and can still get rewarded for their actions.
The Jays want to be a real Yankees rival so badly. They've been practically begging it for years now.
Finally, after wasting tons of time looking for their moment, they realized what the rest of MLB already knew: If you deflect and accuse the Yankees of cheating, every neutral fan will believe you. They hate the Yankees! They love to hear that stuff! Never mind the fatphobia; accusing the Yankees of some nonsense papers over that in a second.
We'll be waiting patiently over here for Boone to reveal why Toronto's coaches are allowed to wander wherever they want to, while the Yankees' coaches can't go outside the box/have to fit into rigid bodily standards.