Blue Jays respond to Yankees' Juan Soto trade with absurdly basic stadium addition

It's a new dawn in Toronto. A fresh start. A re-edited trailer for the Movie. After a long offseason of waiting, the addition Canadians from Manitoba to Moosejaw have been dreaming of is finally here.

Cupholders at the Rogers Centre.

That's right. In lieu of signing Shohei Ohtani, the Blue Jays announced last week in a Tweet Bomb that launched 1,000 blank stares that they'd responded to fans' queries by installing cupholders throughout the 100 Level bowl.

The resulting chorus of, "You guys ... didn't ... have that already?" rumbled powerfully enough to create a small earthquake.

Maybe Alek Manoah ripped all the original cupholders out during a prolonged tantrum last year? Maybe manager John Schneider banned 'em? After all, cups usually contain caloric liquids like soda or beer. He might've been tired of having to call his players "fat boy".

Next up: moving the third-base coach's box!

Blue Jays respond to Yankees' Juan Soto trade with new cupholders

Yeah, no kidding they asked for it. They asked for it upon completion of the Sky Dome. Where were all those cups previously being held? Laps? Hot coffee and ice water? Don't think so. Were all Toronto cups stuck occupying that precious territory known as Next to Feet? So dangerous; any number of feet could move at any second. One little kick could turn a Molson into Ground Soup.

Installing cupholders should've been the franchise's big announcement after the 1992 World Series win. Instead, somehow, fans were left thirsty until 2024. No wonder Shohei turned his plane around and put the "Shark Tank" guy on it instead.

Great question. Each seat needs a second cupholder now. Sorry to make you go back and do the work, cupholder guy.

Do Canucks have extra hands I wasn't aware of? Is it easier for them to balance cups than it is for us normal folk? Were they agitated by the lack of cupholders for decades, or did it simply never come up?

"Oop. Nowhere to put my cup. It's fine. Oop, spilled the contents of my cup! That's ok. Just gotta get back out into the aisle to repurchase -- ope, I tripped and tore my lip on cold cement. Drat!"

Thank goodness for the increase in ticket prices. Otherwise, the above scenario would've continued to play out daily, just as I presume it has from 1989-Present.

And ... wait ... they've installed cupholders for the 100 level. The glitterati get their cups held. Does the upper deck still not have cupholders?

What are we doing, Toronto? What are we doing, Rogers?! Aren't you a borderline monopoly? Surely, you can scrounge up enough dough to finance both the labor and plastic necessary to outfit the entire stadium with this simple modern convenience.

Sharks, I'm just asking for you to take 10% stake in my cupholder plan, that's all. Say yes, and I'll get off Shohei's jet and stop bothering you, you One Specific Shark.