100 better uses of Yankees fans' money than Juan Soto Zoom-worn hat baseball cards

Do not buy these!
Colorado Rockies  v San Diego Padres
Colorado Rockies v San Diego Padres / Denis Poroy/GettyImages

Baseball cards have become an extremely bankable hobby in recent years, recovering from a pre-pandemic lull to blow budgets across the nation during the month of December. Why Bowman Draft had to go from a fun $130 box everyone loved to a Mega-Jumbo Second Mortgage, I'll never know, but it happened.

Naturally, the card market's response to rising demand has been to find the next frontier of innovation, trying to capture specific moments in time with 1-of-1 memorabilia snippets. Did you notice how every 2023 rookie wore an MLB Debut patch on their jerseys? Those were shaved off and incorporated in 2023 Topps Chrome Update. Everybody wants 'em. Nobody's pulled 'em.

Buoyed, surely, but the buzzworthy nature of that product, Topps took another step to corner the "Hey, That Happened!" market last week, but they might've tripped over their own feet this time. Following Juan Soto's anticlimactic Zoom introduction to the Yankees, the iconic manufacturer released cards featuring "event-worn" pieces of his hat and shirt from the day in question. You can own a sliver of Soto's hat, sliced and placed next to his Resting Zoom Face, for $349.99. Want the shirt instead? $89.99. As if fans weren't already unenthusiastic enough about Soto not being flown to NYC for a proper introduction, they can now commemorate the occasion by lighting a pile of their hard-earned cash on fire.

Compared to the hat cards, the shirt cards are a steal! But, compared to almost any other item on earth, they are not. Here's our handy guide to 100 better uses of your money this holiday season.

100 better uses of Yankees fans' money than weird Juan Soto hat cards for $350

100. Flight to the Bronx to scold Hal Steinbrenner in person for not holding a more impressive intro event
99. Nine whole Yankees fitted caps that were not worn by Juan Soto for a few minutes
98. Tickets to Soto's Yankee Stadium Opener
97. Tickets to Soto's Yankee Stadium Finale (Ideally 2033, but could be 2024. Hedge your bets using the leftover cash.)
96. 13 minutes of Shohei Ohtani's time. Use that at-bat wisely!
95. 350 game-worn Willie Calhoun hat cards
94. Two Park-Hopper Tickets to Walt Disney World
93. One Park-Hopper Ticket to Walt Disney World, One Authentic Goofy Suit (Allows You to Stay After Park Has Closed)
92. Four of the game-worn Soto shirt cards! (JK, don't)
91. Neon "Yankees Fan Cave" Sign
90. Neon Sign Repair Bill After Walk-Off Loss to Red Sox
89. Authentic Yogi Berra/Don Larsen Signed Photo
88. Authentic Yogi Berra/Don Larsen Signed Photo of Juan Soto
87. 3,000 Pencils
86. Box Seat at Citi Field (to Enjoy Delicious Meal)
85. Box Seat at Camden Yards (to Watch Competitive Team)
84. Full Year's Gym Membership
83. Neon Sign Repair Bill After Wife Discovers She's Paying for Unused Gym Membership
82. Tommy DeVito Personal Appearance Fee for Small Business
81. 8 Months of "Zoom Rooms Enterprise Plan" (to jazz up future press conferences)
80. Hiring mysterious man with bad investment advice to distract Steve Cohen
79. Hiring mysterious man with bad art/sculptures to distract Steve Cohen
78. Renting fake office to trick Michael Fishman into taking his little meetings elsewhere
77. An actual audit
76-63. Extensive, years-long therapy for being forced to sit through Josh Donaldson's tenure in pinstripes
62. Aaron Judge Signed 2022 Bobblehead
61. Roger Maris Jr. Signed 2022 Bobblehead (Feat. him sitting, staring, bored in Toronto)
60. David Wells-worn Babe Ruth-worn hat sliver
59. Babe Ruth-worn sliver of Juan Soto's hat (whoa, what, how?!)
58. 2,998 pencils and a nice pen
57. Year's supply of Bigelow Green Tea
56. One month's rent at the Hebrew Home at Riverdale
55. Little piece of Hideki Matsui's famous pornography collection
54. DJ's fee to create EDM remix of John Sterling's "Ow!" from being hit by Justin Turner foul ball
53. DJ LeMahieu's fee to never listen to John Sterling EDM remix
52. Two-year Netflix subscription for Wandy Peralta (he's earned it, what a nice man)
51. Bernie Williams Hall of Fame Awareness Campaign
50. New X-Box for Tommy Kahnle (keeps biting through the wires)
49. Full Year's Gym Membership in Giancarlo Stanton's name (to prove he effin' stretches!!)
48. Hiring a spy who can tell us what exactly Eric Cressey does here
47. Two Tickets to Universal Orlando
46. One Ticket to Universal Orlando, Goofy Suit (that's the wrong park, you're found out immediately, your plan is foiled)
45. Mark Teixeira's Show-Worn Wig from "Rock of Ages" cameo
44. Organizing protest to un-retire Reggie Jackson's number
43. One-year Greg Bird minor-league contract ($350 should be enough, right?)
42. 20 DVD copies of "42" to mail to Ben Verlander
41. Cameo from Randy Johnson where you ask him to apologize to the bird he exploded
40. Small piece of hat Juan Soto wore to Yoshinobu Yamamoto's press conference in my dream last night
39. Box Seat at Fenway Park (to ask Alex Cora every five seconds why he was let back in the league after cheating in Houston AND Boston and getting fired for it)
38. 2,995 pencils and two Bigelow Tea packs
37. Private helicopter ride for two (You + the Bullpen Coach Mike Harkey of your choice)
36. David Cone's secret Four Loko recipe
35. 50 shares of GameStop stock
34. 45 shares of GameStop stock and some Bigelow Tea
33. Pair of Yankees tickets with Audi Club access so you can try Producer John J. Filippelli's Famous Italian Cornbread
32. Priority access on Michael Kay Show (producers bump your call to front of line so Kay can loudly call you an idiot)
31. Ability to remove flavor of your choice from the Baskin Robbins menu
30. Game-worn and signed David Robertson high sock
29. The other sock
28. Priority access to Billy's line (bouncers bump you to front of line so they can shred your fake ID and laugh at you earlier in the evening)
27. Slice of hat Alex Verdugo wore in Instagram selfie where he shaved/looked like loud guy on Metro North
26. Full three-piece suit
25. 12 nice ties
24. Twizzler Siren (loud siren installed above front door that goes off when mom brings Twizzlers into the house)
23. Carton of Donnie Baseball's Mustache Wax (so expired it'll make you see numbers)
22. Your own authentic Soto Yankees jersey with weird, un-pinstriped flap in the back (Why did Nike do this? They assume you're tucking your authentic jersey? They assume they're selling exclusively to nerds?)
21-12. Extensive, years-long therapy for being forced to sit through 2023 lineup that was somehow even more abysmal when Josh Donaldson was benched
11. Austin Wells' chicken parm recipe
10. Holiday gifts for entire family
9. Holiday gifts for someone else's family, provided they don't want a fingernail-sized piece of Juan Soto's hat
8. Nice holiday bonus for your best salesman
7. Juan Soto's hat card if you want to punish your worst salesman
6. Steve Cohen stocking stuffer
5. Toronto Blue Jays' entire offseason budget
4. Hourly fee for doctor who could've properly diagnosed Anthony Rizzo's concussion on time
3. 3,001 slightly cheaper pencils
2. Priority mail to express ship printed-out photo of middle finger to Josh Donaldson's house
1. Future Yankees Luxury Tax Kickstarter - Every Little Bit Helps!