Newly-minted Yankees outfielder Alex Verdugo succumbed to the team's facial hair policy this week, showing off his clean mug in a photo reveal that dropped on Thursday.
Inadvertently, he also revealed himself to be The Guy Who Shoved You Out of the Way in the Bathroom Line at Billy's Because His Boy Fergus Had to Puke Chopped Cheese.
Red Sox Verdugo was swaggering, his chains swaying as he sprinted into second with a gapper double or ripped Clay Holmes' heart out. Yankees Verdugo? Before ever stepping on the field, he already looks exactly like 50 people you've seen at every Bronx bar pregame you've ever been to. You can just smell him stepping off the Metro North, somehow ripping three heaters on the five-minute walk to River Avenue, then wedging himself next to you in the overflow crowd at Stan's, trying to order three Coors Banquets for his high school girlfriend.
She's already cheated on him while away at college, but he doesn't know it yet. He'll find out during the sixth inning. He's also cheated on her, but that's beside the point.
Yankees Alex Verdugo, with no beard, looks like everyone you hated in high school
In case you needed a visual argument for doing away with the facial hair policy, rather than a well-argued essay, here you go. Right here.
Verdugo likely slots into left field in the Yankees' Opening Day lineup, and will platoon with Trent Grisham depending on whether a righty (Verdugo) or lefty (oddly, Grisham and his reverse splits) is on the mound. Then, as soon as the game has ended, Verdugo's face will head directly to the Billy's line, wait 45 minutes to reach the front, then accidentally hand the bouncer his old fake, an expired Connecticut license featuring his friend's 25-year-old brother. That brother will have a thick beard, leading to immediate suspicion and expulsion from the bar.
Three more heaters later, he'll be on his way back to Mamaroneck, disturbing an entire train car by yelling an inside joke to his friend who's sitting seven rows away.