Yankees allow 24-hours of unprecedented access to war room

In the world of fantasy, can you imagine if the Yankees were to open their War Room for the next 24 hours? Because if they did, we might witness something like this.

The Yankees trade activity is a topic of much interest. There are always rumors and innuendos about deals floated and prospects offered. In an unbelievable move (and I do mean seriously incredible) the Yankees director of Media Relations, Hugh B. Leaveit, invited me to spend 24-hours inside their central office.

With that, I found myself–on Thursday, July 27th at 5 p.m.–at the heart of the New York Yankees Empire.

The scene itself is simple to describe: I was in a relatively nondescript, blue-and-white room with large Yankees logos on the lengthwise walls. Two glass cases faced each other on the shorter walls; one contained one of those Yankees jackets with all the titles on it, in badge form.

The other had a replica bust of George Steinbrenner, copied from monument park. There was a banner with the word, Dad, draped upon it.

Phones, yes, landlines, were around the table. Throughout the day and night, Yankees top brass and decision makers came in and out. Some came in on their cells and stayed that way until they left. Others came in and grabbed a land line to conference with a variety of disembodied voices.

I am proud to have been chosen and to bring the report to YanksGoYard. The one caveat was that I could only use names as I heard them. And they failed to put out snacks, which was a bummer. Excepting that, it was a fun day. And very revealing.

Here, now, is a faithful report on everything I heard, about trades, tirades, and things that go bump in the night.

7:31

“Hi; oh, it’s Robbie! (Taking the phone away from his mouth) Hey, everyone, Cano has called to say hi; (returns to the call). Hey, how’s it going Robbie? You’re having a great year; you All-Star you!

What’s that? You were wondering if we might want to make a trade to bring you back? Didn’t you realize the Mariners were never going to win? They keep adding free agents while getting worse each year?

The last Dominican you saw in Seattle was a friar? The local stores think a banana is the same thing as a plantain?

And Tacoma’s night life is a little less ‘happening’ than Manhattan’s? Well, don’t blame yourself; no one could have seen that one coming. Well, we kinda have a second baseman, man. The best I can do is send you a case of Malta. Good luck in the playo…I mean for the rest of the regular season.”

11:43 p.m.

“Is this the dentist, Mr. Yuh Arm Mee

Yes, I know what time it is. But you know how you paid us a million dollars to advertise yourself as the official dentist of the Yankees? Yeah, well, this comes with the package.

Good. Okay, here’s the deal, Judge just broke a tooth and will need it repaired or replaced or something. He already looks enough like Opie Taylor. If he starts showing up with a chipped tooth, we might have to trade him to Atlanta.

Can we bring him by tonight? The last thing I want is him staring at it all night, taking sad, private pictures. That’d be horrible.

Tomorrow? Keep him away from mirrors? Alright, I’ll work on it, Dr. Mee.”

12:01 a.m.

“Yankee’s media coordinator, Ms. Ingperson, here. The Times? You want some deep background to help you craft your story about the Rays letting that ball go through the infield in really, really embarrassing fashion? Of course, I can help.

Well, I would say, there was a frustrating moment that we thought would be a final one, until Gary was able to hit a ball that scooted—yeah I’m going to go with scooted, that’s my word for it—through the infield.

And what might have been dispiriting turned into a real, I’ll go with, a lifeline. Once again, that’s my word. I said it first. No plagiarism here.

I hope that helps you out. Do me one favor? Don’t print the stuff about Girardi calling the umps inconsistent, please. You’re a pal!”

4-ish AM

At some point, I realized I had fallen asleep. The lack of motion allowed the lights to turn off and I estimate the time to be a little after four. I heard a soft voice in the dark.

“Hello, is this the tooth fairy? I have something special for you. I found Judge’s broken tooth chip, and I’m ready to deal.

A dollar? For Aaron Judge’s tooth? Do you know how big he has gotten since you saw him last?

Oh, he was 6’7” even when he was 5, huh,; fair enough. Then you know that even a part of it has to be worth at least a couple hundred. But I was thinking about something more like wishes.

I can have three? Awesome; let’s start with getting the Red Sux out of first and the Yankees in. Do that today. Two, make David Price have to get Tommy John surgery. And, three, teach me a dirty joke, so funny even Prince Hal will laugh.

Um hum, yeah, okay, yeah, got it…and the ending once again…Rectum? Damned near killed ‘em…got it. That should do it.”

10:10 a.m.

“Yeah, hi Bill. No, they’re still thinking about it. Oh yeah, if we decide to trade Gleyber or Frazier, we’ll let you know.

Yes, I agree, you should definitely stick close by the phone. I am sure they’ll cave on this one anytime. Oh, yeah, sure, okay by Billy.”

11:46

“Yo, Andy, I loved your column. I mean, what insight: if we want to win, we have to beat the other teams that want to win. That’s good stuff. What, do they pay you by the word?

Oh, you actually don’t get paid until you give them a column, any old column. Well, at least it wasn’t some completely lame attempt at humor. The next so-called sports writer who tries to be funny in a column is going to be shown the Bronx by Bobby Bo.

1:23 p.m.

“Oh, hey, Billy. You. Again. Que pasa, amigo?

You want to check in and be clear you’re asking for either Frazier or Torres, but not both? Yeah, well, we, we kinda figured that one out on our own. But thanks for clarifying.

Oh, yes, that makes the offer a lot better.

Yeah, still no.”

2:47

“Okay, Mr. Torre, you’re on with everyone. We just wanted to wish you and Jorge a great time and a lot of success in helping the Safe At Home Foundation. A worthy cause, and that’s no joke.

Hey, that’s great. Alright, that’s everything here, just have a great day. Oh, by the way, no big deal, just make sure not to compare your teams to this current one. I mean, can you imagine? Those teams did something no team did since the 1950’s, so that would be putting undue pressure on these guys.

I am so glad we agree. What? Is it okay to do it if you first say you don’t mean to do it, before doing exactly that? Um, well, gee Mr. Torre, yeah, kinda, but, no, not really.

Oh good. So, please don’t forget to remember not to mention any remembrances that you shouldn’t mention about your team and this team and how they’re so similar; is that clear or should I text it to you?

That wouldn’t help? Okay, well, I’m sure you’ll remember. Tell Jorge!

3:35

“Hey pal, I just want to say thanks for refusing to trade us Duda, but agreeing to trade him to our division rival. That really helps a lot. C’mon, I think we could have done better than our 30th best prospect. But that’s cool.

Just know that the next time you play here, we’re gonna have bat day. And I don’t mean them damn little bats. No, we’re gonna give away the ones that Judge uses. And we’re gonna give ‘em to evvvvvveryone.

And if Duda hits a home run tonight, even in blowout, we are really coming for you. So, I hope you look forward to that.”

4:55

(A voice from one of the phones) Hey, is anyone there?

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(An exec walks in) What is it, Walt?

It’s (Blake) Rutherford’s agent. He wants to know how the secret plan to re-acquire his client in the off-season is going. He said the Yankees were going to follow their Adam Warren plan.

(The exec looked at me, and smiled) I can’t talk now, but I’ll call you back in…(addressing me) what time are you done?”

“Five o’clock.”

(Turning back to the phone) “I’ll call you back in 6 minutes.

(To me, as he walks out) Prank call.”

And that, faithful readers, was the last call I was privy to about the 2017 Yankees. I walked away with a couple of impressions. Most important is that the Yankees will never trade Clint Frazier and Gleyber Torres for Sonny Gray. That’s funny even now.

Next: The Yankees need to Focus on Winning Multiple Championships

Second, I want to find out more about that Rutherford thing. Third, I still need to pass that pearl. And, finally, after what has happened with the Sox and David Price, I need to try to get a hold of a Judge tooth chip. Naw, no one would believe I can do that.

I wonder what they would believe?