Yankees success hinges on their esoteric gun policy

Yankees offense continues to be explosive. Even during this recent rough patch, the hitters have been firing shots all over the field. And they all seem to share the same modesty, rarely shooting their mouths off. Instead, they seem to have taken up random gun violence, and fans now demand an explanation of the Yankees arcane gun policy.

The Yankees have done an excellent job of assembling seemingly good character guys. They seem modest to a fault in the wake of their early season success. There must be some pent up anxiety, a need for release. But it is a bit shocking that so many Yankees would turn to random gun violence.

Yes, since the start of the season, the 2017 Yankees have turned both the Bronx and the road stadiums into shooting galleries. And the fans have been left to wonder what it all means.

We have all seen it. Castro hits a double. He stands upon the bag.

Then, in the middle of the diamond, he pulls out his two-gun, double fingered six shooters and sprays the field with finger nail bullets.

Have Gun Will Travel

I admit I was shocked the first time I saw it. But it is so easy to become inoculated to television violence. Soon I enjoyed watching Starlin Castro shoot off his finger guns recklessly into the dugout. And I even appreciated the folks in the dugout, such as Luis Severino, returning fire.

And I even find myself smiling at some of the random violence. But then I think, why am I not more concerned about the fans? What if one of those imaginary bullets hits someone with an active imagination? Or what if a fan escalates the encounter and returns fire with a fake Uzi? Either could cause some serious psychological damage.

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Soon, though, I am drawn back into the ultra violence, like watching Scarface for the 999^th time. You’re repulsed by the bloodshed but attracted to the killing.

Before long, more players got involved, and the situation has become both dangerous and inexplicable. For instance, in tonight’s game, Jake got a single and a RBI; that was double guns worthy. And not just double guns. When Jacoby Ellsbury started shootin’ he did so with waggling guns.

Earlier, Chris Carter hit a two-run home run. When he approached the dugout, he pulled out his double fingered guns and fired into the Yankees dugout. Now, why would both of those be worth double guns? Shouldn’t the single have been worthless, like a single gun made from fingers? Or is any RBI double guns worthy?

Maybe I just need to buy a program

Also, Carter fired his double guns in a non-shaking manner. But it seems that the waggling guns are more threatening, ala Yosemite Sam, and therefore should denote a bigger achievement. And yet it was Jacoby who waggled. It just makes no sense.

These are the types of questions the fans demand answers to.

Let me be clear: I am not against the Yankees exercising their right to bear arms. Especially when they are using their bare arms as the weapons. All I want, nay, want all Yankees fans want is to understand this policy.

Is any hit worth shooting off double guns, even a non-scoring single? I’m sure I have seen that. Can a player shoot off only one gun or is there some dogma attached to this policy? And are there any restrictions on return fire from the dugout? Is it okay for the fans to get involved? What caliber fingers are allowed?

Yankees will find out only now what they are made of

It takes blood and guts to get the glory; now we are going to see what these Yankees players are made of. Time of your life, huh kid?

I also want to be clear that I do not want there to be any gun control for this team. The only time we see the players firing their guns is when they are firing on all cylinders, shooting up the park. So, yes, please, fire your .22 caliber, two-gun finger pistols at each other, at the fans, or even randomly in the air. As long as you keep shooting home runs into Boot Hill, er, the bullpen.

And all the Yankees have to do is remember the maxim of that great Cuban baller, Tony Montana: first you get the hit, then you get the base, THEN you get the double guns!