Red Sox owner backs out of 'full throttle' comment in most hilarious way possible

Boston Red Sox End of Season Presser
Boston Red Sox End of Season Presser / Maddie Malhotra/Boston Red Sox/GettyImages

Like Andy Bernard punching through a wall in the middle of the Dunder Mifflin office, the Boston Red Sox' ownership group claiming they were about to go "full throttle" in free agency to fix their pitching staff might've been an overreaction.

Instead of meeting the prices for ... well, anyone on the market other than Lucas Giolito, Boston decided to hire Craig Breslow to run their operations and revamp their pitching development program from the inside out. And that's certainly one way to do it -- but it means Boston's earlier boasts to blow the league away by wheeling, dealing and signing big names was a half-truth (if we're being generous) and an outright lie (if we're not).

Despite a fluke ALCS run in 2021 -- which Boston fans are now claiming as part of a "rebuild," which ... OK, it was not -- this offseason has been par for the course for the Yankees-Red Sox rivalry in recent years. The Yankees make a headline-grabbing move that may or may not work (swapping pitching for Juan Soto), then fail to backfill what they lost (pitching). The Red Sox? They're interested in everyone, close on a few, and manage to close the deal on a singular free agent.

This Boston ownership group has secured four World Series titles in four distinct eras. It would be almost impossible for them to squander the goodwill they've earned. And yet ... they've found a way to do it by not only taking their feet off the gas pedal, but tearing the gas pedal out of the car and chucking it out the window into oncoming traffic.

Watching Boston realize, en masse, this week that their owners lied to them again about the fullness of their offseason throttle has been extremely satisfying for Yankees fans -- even as they deal with ownership sitting out of the Blake Snell and Jordan Montgomery markets.

Boston Red Sox chairman Tom Werner regrets saying he was going to go Full Throttle, was never going to go Full Throttle

"In retrospect, 'saying something' was not a wise decision. I should have, in fact, not said something."

"Not the most artful comment" is one of the funniest two-month walkbacks of a generation, made all the more hilarious by the Red Sox reticence to not only go "full throttle," but to extend themselves even the tiniest amount. They ate Chris Sale's salary to get Vaughn Grissom on board, but decided they needed to slash more payroll to afford two years of Teoscar Hernández (he signed for just one) or pursue more pitching. Montgomery would be a perfect fit! He's still out there! And yet ... the throttle is stuck.

Ideally, the clock reset in 2021, and the real "five-year rebuild" is just beginning. It's what Boston fans deserve.