Nestor Cortes Jr. nearly followed most predictable ex-Yankees playbook before Phillies deal

The last time we saw Nestor Cortes Jr. on the mound at Yankee Stadium, he was surrendering a still-unbelievable amount of home runs as the Torpedo Bat reportedly threatened MLB parity to a level that even the Dodgers hadn't approached (FACT CHECK: Wrong). He was there as a member of the Milwaukee Brewers, part of one of the most cursed trades of the modern era (Devin Williams and facial hair policy alteration to Yankees, eventual Red Sox folk hero Caleb Durbin to Milwaukee, nausea to the entire tri-state area).

Cortes made only two total starts for Milwaukee, allowing eight earned runs in eight innings, then battled injuries only to resurface (briefly) with the San Diego Padres in the second half before succumbing to an elbow procedure. The man depressingly said he would do anything to win a World Series in 2024, including pitching through an elbow issue he probably shouldn't have, and he was rewarded by being on the wrong end of an iconic grand slam/managerial gaffe and eventual surgery. Brutal.

Now, less than 24 hours after posting a video documenting his recovery, Cortes Jr. has reportedly linked on with the Philadelphia Phillies as their No. 6 starter/swingman, replacing Alan Rangel. But - you're not going to believe this! - the Red Sox dabbled with him first.

Of course. Of course they did.

Red Sox could've made Nestor Cortes sting Yankees just like Garrett Whitlock, Aroldis Chapman (kind of)

In terms of signing ex-Yankees, the Red Sox are like ... if the Mets were able to discern good from bad. If they didn't sign Cortes, maybe the Phils should be worried? Maybe he's cooked after all? Or maybe he's just on par with Patrick Sandoval.

The Sox didn't upgrade the Jake Bennett spot, as the lefty rookie tires, much to their never-satisfied fans' chagrin, but Cortes Jr. probably isn't the ideal solution after so much time away from the game (and with a moderate ceiling to his name, anyhow).

Never forget, too, that Cortes likes to rouse rabble a little bit. He threw shade at the declining Yankees-Red Sox rivalry a few years back and didn't exactly credit the Dodgers in the wake of their World Series win, either, telling The Athletic, “We had done enough to win that game,” Cortes said. “They can talk whatever they want to talk, but we win Game 1 — which we should have — we lost 2 and 3, we win Game 4 and we should have won Game 5. Then we go back to LA up 3 to 2."

Bottom line? Whatever his debut Fenway presser quote would have been would've nestled right up alongside Sonny Gray on the Annoying Scale. Glad, against all odds, this marriage didn't work out.

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