Imagine if Yankees had traded Gleyber Torres like I asked them to?

If you want to get me started at a social gathering, bring up the Freezing Cold Takes phenomenon and watch my eyes glaze over. What might’ve been designed at first as an opportunity to hold media members accountable for their flagrant pandering to clickbait culture and towheaded pessimism has now become a Twitter persona that just screams, “HAHA, five days ago you thought the Phoenix Suns were gonna win!”

There’s nothing wrong with Freezing Cold Taking those who deserve it, but nowadays, the account is shorthand for, “You made a guess, and that guess was wrong.” The dreaded retweet should be reserved only for those who step so far beyond the boundaries in the name of being “FIRST!” to an argument that they lose sight of how time typically passes and how often things change.

That is to say: come and get me for suggesting the Yankees trade Gleyber Torres, both during the offseason AND after the season had already started. What was I thinking?

Seriously, it does not get f***ing stupider than this, written by me, an idiot:

We have enough evidence here that Torres’ motor is off, and has been for some time. His regression has been one of the Yankees’ grandest failings of the modern era, and probably the No. 1 thing they’ve done wrong. Juiced balls or not, they took an elite natural hitter and turned him into someone who sold out for pop and couldn’t rediscover his swing when that plan went awry. He’s uncomfortable in the field and at the plate, and he should regain that comfort in a different town — again, while other organizations still have hope they can help him recover.

Hey, you know what helped? Moving Torres back to second base, where he was plainly comfortable in 2019 and is just as comfortable now. Didn’t think of that one, did you, hotshot?

Hey, here’s another banger from that article:

What does he do better than Marwin Gonzalez?

AHHHHHH. Everything! He does everything better than Marwin Gonzalez, even potentially playing shortstop, something he might be asked to back up when Gonzalez is jettisoned to keep Matt Carpenter on the bench.

Through mid-June of 2022, Torres has turned from a player development black eye to a shining victory, making the best of Dillon Lawson’s instruction and truly embodying what it means to hit strikes hard. In fact, he’s hitting them harder than ever, dating back even to his 38-homer 2019 campaign.

Yankees should trade Gleyber Torres, huh? You’re an IDIOT.

Armed with one of the most beautiful spray charts in the game, Torres has drilled the ball to all fields in 2022, notably finding the bullpens repeatedly on impressive homers.

Anecdotally, when Torres is able to sail opposite-field home runs effortlessly to right while already starting his home run strut, you know he’s locked in. From a data-driven perspective, the former two-time All-Star is in the 92nd percentile for average exit velocity, 93rd percentile for expected slugging, and even the 70th percentile for strikeout percentage. He hasn’t sacrificed whiffs for power. The only thing he doesn’t do is walk.

And you wanted to trade him to clear reps for Oswald Peraza, who’s struggling mightily at Triple-A. You complete jackass.

Still just 25 years old, Torres has once again inserted himself into the Yankees’ future plans beyond an Aaron Judge deal, occupying the “long-term piece” slot once targeted for Gary Sánchez. After a torrid two-month stretch that’s been a bit unlucky, if anything (his BABIP still sits at .250!), odds are the Bombers will look to keep him beyond 2024, not trade him.

Unless any of the dumbest people on earth want to intervene with another well-thought-out column? Looking at you, author of this piece.

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