Andrew Heaney’s Dodger debut will make Yankees fans tear their hair out

Let’s get ahead of this one: NO, the New York Yankees should NOT have paid Andrew Heaney $8 million this offseason to “try to get right” after a “full offseason in the lab”.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, they should not have done that.

Regrettably, after one start in Dodger Blue, though … it … kinda looks like the Yankees should have done that. Infuriating.

All we heard all offseason long was that Heaney, he of the elite fastball spin and no results to show for it eight years into his MLB career, was just a few minutes of finger snapping and chalkboard scrawling away from being the elite starter he was always inches away from becoming. It was that simple! The right instruction would surely unlock his potential, seeing as the Marlins, Angels and Yankees had all, apparently, forgotten to instruct him.

When he face planted to open spring training, the laughter cascaded off the walls. This? THIS was your $8 million man?! Don’t say we didn’t warn you!

Unfortunately, HeanDog got the last laugh on Tuesday, taming the Minnesota Twins and recording whiff after whiff in the process.

Ex-Yankees starter Andrew Heaney “unlocked it” once for the Dodgers

It was so condescending all offseason long to hear about how the Dodgers would finally be the ones to do what the moronic Yankees dreamed of doing, but couldn’t. And yet … one start in, it’s advantage Los Angeles.

All told, Heaney went 4.1 innings, whiffing five and not allowing a single earned run. The line didn’t end up as impressive as the swing-and-miss count, but there was more than enough in Heaney’s opening salvo to make Yankee fans weary.

Claiming New York should’ve re-signed Heaney at that price this offseason is hubris of the highest magnitude, though. That’s not living in the real world. Fans would be justified in losing their minds if the front office passed on target after high-profile target, claiming poverty in order to let Carlos Correa and Trevor Story walk, only to turn around and commit $8 million to a pitcher who almost single-handedly torpedoed the Yankees’ stretch run last season.

Legitimately! One of the worst two-month performances in the history of the uniform! Even if you have a dream he’ll finally figure it out in Year 9, re-signing Heaney would’ve been a slap in the face to all paying customers. After all, who’s ever “figured it out” in New York after failure after failure?

If Heaney doesn’t surrender a three-run lead in relief to the Baltimore Orioles (!!!) last September, the Yankees host the Wild Card Game.

Let’s see him pull off this level of whiffing for longer than four innings before we crown the Dodgers.

3 Yankees offseason missed connections that sting the most

These New York Yankees missed out on basically every big name they were connected to, butt these three ships passing in the night hurt the most.