All’s fair in love, war and free agency, but former Red Sox World Champion Will Middlebrooks certainly tested the boundaries of that fairness in his attempt to sway shortstop Trevor Story away from the Yankees and over to Boston.
The Story signing was officially announced on Wednesday morning, at which point Middlebrooks revealed that he spent the past few weeks slandering the other cities reportedly under the star shortstop’s consideration.
Effective tactic? Obviously; Story chose to join those gritty, scrappy underdogs with the near-$200 million payroll, leaving New York, California and Houston behind in the process.
We have to give Middlebrooks credit for swaying his one-man jury, but when we read his “take” on New York, we bristled, then reread it, then re-bristled.
Apparently, changing positions to second base for the time being was no impediment to Story choosing Boston.
After all, he’d do anything to get away from the giant rats and unbearable garbage scent.
Red Sox 3B Will Middlebrooks turned Trevor Story against the Yankees
OK, where to begin? First of all, Shetland ponies aren’t even that big. Famously, they’re the smallest variety of pony. So that’s almost, like, a compliment.
And New York “smells like garbage”? Are there some areas of the city that smell like garbage? Sure, if you happen to be standing directly next to bags of garbage. In that case, yeah, you’re almost certain to smell garbage (unless COVID cases are rising).
But the Yankees don’t play on a street corner in the hot summer sun. They play in luxurious Yankee Stadium, with million-dollar clubhouses and facilities. When you’re a Yankee, you’re so far removed from the garbage stench it might as well be miles away — because it is!
Unlike in Fenway Park, where you have to walk through crowded 1912 hallways packed with fans to get to your car, and when you arrive, you realize, “Hey, I’m wet!” Where did the mysterious drips come from? Who knows? One of 1,000 pipes.
Also, notice how Middlebrooks emphasized the rat size, but not the presence of rats? You know why? Because Fenway Park also has rats. There’s even one in the dugout — oh, wait, that’s Alex Cora.
Counterpoint AGAIN, Mr. Middlebrooks, because there is literally nothing WORSE than playing Sunday Night Baseball in Fenway — oh, you meant from a Red Sox perspective. OK, yeah. Oh, right, yeah, I can definitely see that, actually. Would probably be fun if you were home with the crowd on your side.
I’ve been to Boston. It’s a beautiful, quaint place to spend a weekend. The streets are cobblestone, meaning they’re almost driveable. And the smell of garbage is always blocked out by the smell of two blacked-out drunks trying to punch each other in the face, both missing, and both hitting me.
The Red Sox do have a proud tradition, and Story has now become the latest in a long line of standouts who want to be on the non-Yankees side of history more than anything. New York just needs one more parade down the Canyon of Heroes to get the momentum rolling in their direction again, though, creating a counterpoint to the slander. Because, right now, there’s no real comeback to anything Bostonians have to say about New Yorkers. We just have to sit back and take it, like a Harvard kid getting his clock cleaned by a townie.
Come on, Yankees. What do you say? Let’s add some confetti to that world-famous street garbage.