Yankees: Weird Astros Twitter guy gets repeatedly dunked on in joyous display


You remember Michael Schwab, don’t you, Yankees fans?

The Astros guy who never existed before the Astros were determined to have cheated their way to the 2017 World Series, then decided to become the face of defending the Astros against the thing they admitted to?

If you’re not aware of Schwab, congratulations on not having a Twitter account. That honestly sounds extremely pleasant.

If you are aware of him, you likely recall his arrival on the medium when he spread a since-demystified video of a Yankees intern (?)/some guy struggling with a camera app in the bleachers at some point in history.

Essentially, Schwab lives by a very Trumpian credo of, “Sure, the Astros cheated, but the real problem was the media acting like it was bad!”

Not to be outdone by his 2020 self, 2021 Schwab showed up on Monday in Athletic Yankees beat writer Lindsey Adler’s mentions to make a counter-argument to something that was not posited in her Monday article — or, really, by anyone at any point in time!

Yankees beat writer Lindsey Adler dunked on a weird Astros guy, then everyone joined in.

OK, so let’s assess what happened here.

Adler, paid to write about the Yankees for a publication, wrote a story about a generalized trend across MLB (decreased offense), using that as a springboard to discuss the team she has been hired to cover.

Schwab, a real weird guy, decided to use this article as an opportunity to rage against coverage of the Astros’ struggles from one year ago. Those struggles were not covered by Adler (she writes about the Yankees, a different team). Those struggles also came before the MLB ball was reportedly changed.

Those struggles could not be less relevant to the task at hand.

We are now officially in an era of “Whataboutism” where you can say literally … anything you want, and a certain sect of the internet will agree with you. “Sure, Trump lied on his tax returns, but what about that Owl in the Tootsie Pop commercial? He bit the Tootsie Pop.”

“Oh, wow, yeah, hey, what about that Owl?!”

Schwab has, unfortunately, dedicated his life to making it known that the cheating Astros, whose deeds went largely unpunished, were instead treated very unfairly. He wants the world to believe that a few critical news articles have forever tarnished his team’s reputation instead of … well, the actions of the team. It’s 2021, man. Every bit of digital media bounces off our eyeballs like a wave off the hull of a ship. Gone before we can blink.

It gives me great pleasure to announce, though, during our brief time together in the confines of this article, that the dunking continued. Schwab put Orel Hershiser’s words in Adler’s mouth, and she had to let him down easy by confirming they are two different human beings.

Schwab then searched “@lindseyadler Astros” on Twitter for a while, as confirmed by the bolded “Astros” in his forthcoming screenshots, and simply … reported back everything he found.

Which was … nothing.

Adler made a trash can joke, playing off (say it with me now!) the famous thing Houston did. This apparently was a show of bias, in the same way that I guess “Saturday Night Live” is biased when it parodies a movie. “Look, it’s the thing that happened!”


Add in the well-known fact that Adler is from the Bay Area, and you’ve got yourself a heapin’ helpin’ of bias.

What were we talking about again? After absorbing 500 disorienting words from Michael Schwab, during which I imagine he looks like the eighth-grader at the school desk with his vein protruding from his forehead, I’m never quite sure.

If you’re writing about baseball in the immediate future, though, make sure to include a preemptive apology for the unfairness with which you covered the Astros in 2020, even if you did not cover the Astros at all. That way, in 20 years, when Jose Altuve is stumbling to the raised stage in the event space at Mar-a-Lago at 4:30 PM to ramble about how the 2017 Astros just found 300 extra votes in Pennsylvania, you’ll have your bases covered.