My 2017 Yankees Christmas wishes for the season

The Yankees season felt like one extended Christmas present to the fans. So instead of getting presents, here are my Christmas gift ideas and holiday wishes for all those in baseball, both naughty and nice.

The Yankees gave us so much this year that it seems wrong to ask for anything for Christmas. After all, Santa Cashman has already delivered Giancarlo Stanton and CC Sabathia. Instead, here are some things I would like to give this year. I just hope they can take it.

And since charity starts at home, we’ll start with the Yankees.

Hal Steinbrenner:

A new emotion chip. Past years have seen such additions as mild pleasure and ever so slight annoyance. This year, I was thinking a Dean Martin, boozy, kinda relaxed emotion. You know, a, “Well, the weather outsiiide it frightful, but the fiiiire is soooo de-lied-ful” kind of vibe during his interviews.

Or would that be asking too much, even from Santa?

Aaron Judge:

That, far from the spotlight, you find a peaceful sleep, and dream of very large women.

Greg Bird:

600 AB’s in the bigs.

Joe Girardi:

You did a great job with under-talented teams and maximized the talent when you had it. And you really are a wonderful human being. Like Frosty, you’ll be back to the stadium again someday for a well-deserved honor. To you and yours, a beautiful and Merry Christmas.

Aaron Boone:

Actually, can I come to your house for Christmas? That has to be where the real celebration is: The Yankees managerial job at the right time, the NL MVP, and a loaded rotation; Fa La La La La, La La La La!

CDACE13:

That you find a little kindness for Steve C. at this time of year. Yeah, I went all Christmas on you!

Jordan Montgomery:

That you’re the fifth starter on opening day.

Derek Jeter:

For what Cashman did to you, it’s your turn to get a gift basket.

Brian Cashman:

What do you get for a man who seems to have everything right now? Maybe, hair?

Dustin Fowler:

A complete recovery and a long career.

Jacoby Ellsbury:

A new address. I had that same wish for him last year.

Giancarlo Stanton:

A home run in his first at-bat at the stadium.

Yankees Stadium:

Here’s hoping you survive a season of being assaulted with baseballs by the biggest kids in the sport, Judge and Stanton.

Now it’s your turn

Red Sox:

Two wins in the ALDS. Dream big.

Red Sox fans:

That you stop sucking for, like, five seconds. No, Boston fans are knowledgeable and passionate, and gladly play Loki to the Yankees’ Thor. Happy Holidays, Beantown!

The Mets:

A win of any sort.

The Mets:

A big-time free agent of any sort.

The Mets:

Fewer than five pitchers on the disabled list at any one time. I’m not even sure that’s true right now.

The Mets:

Better ownership.

The Mets:

That this very real curse is lifted some day; seriously.

David Wright:

You were a great player and deserved that ‘C.’ But now it’s time to rest. Bless you, David, for how you’ve handled all your struggles. You deserved a better fate.

Seattle GM Jerry DiPoto:

My wish was that Shohei Ohtani chose your team and wholly saved your botched plans before your team ultimately fell apart in 2018.

It’s funny, but is it too mean for Christmas? Not even Santa could save this sinking ship.

David Price:

That you focus on winning in the postseason and not on what better, former players are grunting about.

Manny Machado:

Pinstripes.

The Dodgers:

That you’re good enough to meet the Yankees in the World Series; time to get our history on.

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To John and Susan:

The granting of Emeritus status. Stop with these one-year deals. Ma and Pa can call games as long as they want. How long after the signing of Stanton before each of us thought about John’s home run call? No other fans think of how their local announcer will be affected until the season starts, if then. They’re woven into the Yankees’ fabric.

To my editor:

That you stop forcing me to write those really long articles. I prefer the 300-word variety. Merry Christmas, everyone at YGY!

The Giants:

That you convince Judge, Stanton and Dellin Betances to become two-sport players.

The Nets:

That you convince Judge, Stanton and Dellin Betances to become two-sport players.

The Knicks:

That you immediately become a European league basketball team. You would already be winning that league by a lot. I mean, don’t most of their All-Stars already play on your team? Vive, Les Knicks!

The Astros:

A well-deserved celebration. And rest. Because next year the Yankees are coming for you.

To my wife:

That they invent a pill that makes really fat men less belchy and farty, or in any way less disgusting. Nubbin!

The Kansas City Royals:

To enjoy your next decade of irrelevance.

To Michael Kay:

That you embrace your God-like status. You’re the smartest announcer in the sport; God bless us, everyone.

To the Braves’ farm system:

That you find someone a lot better at husbandry.

The Jets:

Oh god, this list is so long. I just don’t have that kind of time.

Next: The Yankees and Angels have Reshaped Baseball

Major League Baseball:

There was a lot of talk about juiced or over-wound baseballs in 2017. If so, it has favored the Yankees and will favor them in the new season. So, my wish for MLB and every one of the players is, may your balls fly high in 2018.

Finally, for Yankees and Yankees fans everywhere:

That this time next year, we are all basking in the glow of championship number 28.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a great 2018 season!