The Yankees need to end their relationship with Bryan Mitchell

(Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images)
(Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images) /

The Yankees have postseason wishes and champagne dreams. So, they don’t have any more time for projects such as Bryan Mitchell.

The Yankees are on a Mets-fueled roll right now. And they hope to ride this wave all the way to crashing the playoff party. That means they can no longer afford to play such players as Bryan “Gas Can” Mitchell.

Even in garbage time, Mitchell is unreliable, as he proved against the Mets on Thursday night. How can the bullpen rest its best when Bryan is giving up runs faster than recording outs.

But I know that Yankees Joe Girardi is a nice guy and loyal to a fault…literally. So, I’ve taken the liberty of writing a break-up letter for you, Joe. Just print this out, sign your name, and you and the Yankees can just move on.

In your honor, Joe, I was firm but sensitive.

Just A Rough Draft

“Dear Bryan,

Well, we’ve had some good times together. Remember last year? Wasn’t that fun! The team went from Teixeira and the Last Round Up at the Bronx Corral, to the Gary Sanchize and the Yankees Youth Movement show.

And you did well. You pitched to a 3.24 ERA. Your WHIP was really high (1.520), but you only gave up nine earned runs in your 29 innings, so it seemed you knew how to limit the damage.

But you see, this year, things have gotten a lot more serious. We could win it all. Oh, I know it’s not likely—perhaps the foolish dreams of a wide-eyed Yankees manager—but they’re my dreams.

And they’re the dreams of every one of those guys in that gosh darned clubhouse, and every fan who lifts his head up from his phone for five seconds because it sounded like Michael Kay said something cool just happened, like a home run or a Yankees victory or something. They’re my favorite fans.

Hey, you know the owner has even said he would be disappointed if we didn’t make the playoffs? Wow, that sounds like someone’s gettin’ fired if that doesn’t happen. And, gosh, I don’t want that to be me, buddy.

Now That’s Not a Joke

So, Mitch, Mitchy The Kid, I think it’s time we broke up. And, you know how people always say, “It’s not you, it’s me”? Well, in this case, it is you. Yeah, no, you suck.

Please, don’t take this personally. You seem like a good man with a great work ethic. We all know you spent your recent stint in the minors working hard. And everyone knows you earned your way back.

But, still Bryan, you suck. You currently have a 4.67 ERA, a WHIP of 1.556, and more runs (31) than innings pitched (27) for the 2017 Yankees. That’s much closer to what you did in 2015 when your ERA was 6.37, and your WHIP was 1.787.

Your mom called earlier, and even she agreed you suck.

(Photo by Adam Hunger/Getty Images) /

Oh, perhaps things could work out if this were a different world. Bryan, oh Bryan, if only we could run away to Oakland. They’re not even trying to win there! There, you could give up homers all day long, and no would notice or care.

But here, well, the rest of the guys and me, gosh, we’ve decided we do care. And by golly, we want to win.

I know what you’re thinking, Mitchy ol’ boy. Fine, I go to Oakland. But then, next year or perhaps the year after, they’ll be good, too, and then it’s bye bye Bryan. But don’t you see: That’s exactly what makes the Athletics the perfect team for you. When they get a good team together, they trade the good players, not the bad ones.

Does Stephen Drew Play There?

And, no, don’t worry; that will never be you. You, you’ll probably suck from here to eternity. You, they would treasure like the doughy, tasteless pizza they think of as gourmet.

Oh, but why do we dream? I’m already engaged, to be the manager of the New York Yankees. My fate, I’m afraid, has already been decided. I am to stay here, endlessly working towards the next dynasty, a slave to the path I’ve chosen, that of success and glory. Oh, woe is me.

But not you, darling Bryan. You can still be free, free to suck at pitching on another team, where any time can be garbage time. Now, you need to fly now, my little bullpen bird, to gentler climates and teams as horrible as you are.

Like San Diego. So that you know, I did try to trade you to the Padres, but even they were not interested. But I will give you a ticket to San Diego! A bus ticket, but still.

My darling Bryan, you will love it there. They have many fun things to do. Let’s see, there’s the Zoo, and that’s lovely, oh, and that whole Lego Land thing…I bet you’ll love that. What else…I don’t think you’re supposed to go to Hooters anymore or that whale place. Hmmm.

Well, the point is, a man of your talent—your very, very limited talent—is wasting his time here in New York. And more importantly, you’re wasting my time.

Amen, Brother

So go, my sweet, sucky little Mitchell. And never forget your time in the Bronx; lord knows none of us will ever be able to. When you speak of this, and you will, please be kind. After all, you got hundreds of thousands of dollars to pitch for us. And we got to pay you that, so, something for everyone there.

If someone gave me a few hundred thousand right now, I would say nice things about that person. Especially if it was the amount I paid you. Wow, that would be unbelievably cool.

Next: Yankees and the AL East: 25 Years as Baseball's Best Division

Sorry, I digressed. Goodbye forever, Little Bryan Mitchell. Seriously, this is forever. Even if you try to buy a ticket to a game, I will have you declared a stalker and taken off to Yankees jail. TTFN!”

And there you go, Joe. I have done all the heavy lifting. One note of caution. By the time you read this, there might be some very pro-Mitchell comments in the aptly-named Comments section below. Don’t believe them. I know for a fact that those are fake accounts created by Bryan himself.

At least I hope that’s true. Otherwise, people have said some hurtful things about me. Why would anyone say mean things about someone he doesn’t even know?