Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees

A big series for the Yankees begins tonight, but it’s even bigger for the Red Sox.  John Smoltz hasn’t pitched well at all, despite the BS Terry Francona would have you believe, and Joba has been great since the break.  Plus, Boston is 2.5 games back in the AL East and is 7-10 in their last 17 games.

The Yanks are hot, and no Yankee is hotter than Johnny Damon, who is 10 for his last 22 with 2 home runs.  I see a long home run down into the right field bleachers for Damon and a W for the Bombers.  Smoltz is gunna get rocked in Tiny Yankee Stadium.

7:11  Ellisbury grounds out to Cano on the third pitch of the game.

7:12 Pedroia rips a fat 2-0 fastball down the left field line for a double.  There goes the no-no.

7:13 Joba goes 2-0 to his 2nd batter in a row.  Martinez is wearing long sleeves and not crying because he got traded.

7:15 Joba walks Victor on 5 pitches.  Youk is getting booed nice and right.

7:16 Girardi went out to talk to Joba and he immediately went ahead 0-2 on Youk, who pops up to left.  Well done Joe.

7:17 Papi receives another rousing chorus of boos.  I love that he looks so much less intimidating.

7:18 Ken Singleton is pissed that baseball is allowing the list of 104 to be leaked slowly.  Thanks for having an original thought, Kenny.  Ortiz flies out to Swisher, Yankees comin’ to bat!

7:22 Michael Kay reiterates that Francona says Smoltz is pitching better than his 7+ ERA.  Paul O’Neal shoots this down.  Good for Angry Paul.  Jeter grounds out to Dainty Dusty.

7:25 Smoltz looks like he has good stuff tonight, but we’ll see if he can control it.  So far Damon and Jeter have battled; maybe they’re going old school and trying to get to the bullpen early.  I smell another 4 hour affair.  Dammit, Damon strikes out swinging.  C’Mon, Johnny, I got money on you!

7:28 Teixeira walks with two outs, bringing up A-Rod.  Alex hasn’t hit a homer in 15 games, 62 at bats, the longest in his career I believe.  I need your fantasy help, A-Rod.

7:30 A-Rod quickly down 0-2.  Is it me or does A-Rod go down 0-2 a lot?  I’ve always heard he is a guess hitter, is he just guessing wrong a lot this season?

7:31 A-Rod watches a fastball go by for strike three.  My fantasy team is still homerless for the week…I lead the league in round-trippers.  What dimension is this?

7:33 Bruce Willis is in the stands.  Nice.

7:34 This just in, courtesy of Michael Kay.  Jack Nicholson dancing with 3 or 4 other women.  Is this news, or should it just be assumed at all times?

7:35 Nancy Drew doubles to left center.  Good hit, actually.

7:36 I have to stop updating every minute.  I’m missing the game.

7:37 Youkalis is playing left field tonight, I forgot to mention that.  It looks so weird.  I mean, Youkalis always looks weird, but it’s odd to see him somewhere other than the infield.  Sh*%, Lowell walks, the Red Sox have 1st and 2nd for the second time in two innings.  Nobody out this time.

7:39 Joba is trying to throw a perfect pitch every time, and just missing often.  You have good stuff and this lineup isn’t very good anymore.  Just throw it over the plate.  He does and Kotchman flies out.  Joba then strikes out Lowrie on a 96 mph heater.  There you go, young fella!  Attack the bad hitters, trust your stuff.

7:44 Joba goes down 3-0 on Ellisbury, then Ks him on a nasty breaking ball.  Chamberlain is already over 40 pitches though.  Phil Coke, anyone?

7:48 Matsui grounds out.  I don’t know what to say, except that I am fighting the urge to make a joke about Matsui’s porn collection and the fact that he swings a big stick.

7:50 Posada serves one into left field.  Michael Kay thinks he looks like Andy Roddick.  Served…tennis…GET IT????

7:53 Cano works a walk against John Smoltz.  I just swallowed my gum.

7:54 It was Trident.

7:55 Swisher lines a base hit to right, Posada doesn’t slide at home and he’s out at the plate.  Why didn’t he slide???  It looks like Jorge saw Pedrioa cut off the throw from right field and decided Pedrioa wasn’t going to throw home.  If he had slid he would have been safe, no question.  What the hell, Jorge??  In the words of Billy Madison, YOU BLEW IT!!!!!  Melky lines out to end the inning.

7:59 Wow.  I just Image Searched “Billy Madison” but left out the ‘y’ by accident.  Apparently Bill Madison is a gay porn star.  Let that be a lesson to you: a part-time vowel can make a big difference.

8:01 Dustin Pedrioa just hit a New Yankee Stadium home run.  1-0 Sox.

8:03 Joba walks Victor Martinez with his 51st pitch of the night.  Joba is not long for this game.

8:08 Youkalis act slike he got hit by a pitch wehn the ball missed him by 6 inches.  What a tool.  He walks anyways.  I’m praying for a ground ball DP from Big Papi.  I give it 3:1 odds.

8:09 I am the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!!!! 4-6-3 double play.  Second Billy Madison reference of the night, for those of you keeping score at home.

8:10 Drew flies out, Joba gets out of the inning with minimal damage.  Still, its unlikely he gets through 6, and as the YES team astutely pointed out last inning, the bullpen is a little thin.

8:14 Ellisbury makes a great sliding catch and bangs hard against the center field wall.  Good jump on Jeter’s long fly ball.

8:16 Johnny Damon goes ballyard to right field.  Johnny Rocket!  I am a freaking psychic.

8:17 Teixeira just missed a home run left of the 399 sign in left center.  A long double for the 1st baseman.  The crowd is into it, and A-Rod gets under one and flies out.

8:25 Jeterian jump throw in the hole is high and pulls Teix off the bag, Lowell gets an infield hit.  YES has shown the reply about 6 times already.  Jeter can do no wrong, even when he does.

8:26 Casey Kotchman lines a homer over the right field wall.  That’s an out in 29 other parks.  3-1 Boston.  F.

8:31 Joba gets out of the inning.  I’m sad though.

8:34 Jed Lowrie has been replaced at shortstop by Nick Green.  Not sure if it’s an injury or if it’s just because Jed Lowrie is awful.  Posada doubles down the right field line to lead off the inning.  Someone is going yard to right to tie this thing.

8:38 Cano lines one up the middle and Posada scores easily.  No need to slide this time, although it would have been good if he slid regardless.  3-2 Sox.

8:41 Swisher walks on 4 pitches.  I smell a comeback.

8:43 THE MELKMAN DELIVERS!!!!! A legit 3 run home run to right.  That would be out in any stadium.  He turned on a fastball up and in and deposited the ball in the second deck in right.  5-3 Yankees.  The crowd loves it.  Cano loves it.  I called it again!!  3-3.  I love it!!

8:47 Damon goes the other way and grounds one past the shortstop.  Man on, 1 out, Big Teix at the dish.

8:55 Sorry, phone call.  Teix doubled over Drew’s head, A-Rod was intentionally walked, and Tito pulled the Hall of Famer for Traber.  Muahahahahahaha.

8:57 Matsui beats out the potential inning ending double play and drives in a run.  6-3 Yankees.  I like what I’m seeing.

8:58 Posada is up for the second time in the 4th.  He’s 3-3 with a 3 run home run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He’s atoned for his boneheaded non-slide.

9:00  Cano singles to left.  What, just a single?  What is this?

9:02 Boston Sucks!  Boston Sucks!  Boston Sucks!

9:03  The bottom of the 4th is now officially 30 minutes long.  This game isn’t going to end until midnight.  I don’t know if I can last that long.  Less importantly, how will this affect Joba?

9:05 Nick Swisher lines one to center field.  It’s a clinic!  It’s Batting Practice!  Someone enforce the Mercy Rule!

9:08 The inning is over after 35 minutes of offense.  Yikes.

9:12 Martinez draws his 3rd walk of the night.  Swing the bat, wuss.

9:14 Joba walks Youkalis on 4 straight balls.  Thats 8 pitches out of the strike zone to start the 5th.

9:15 Ortiz pops out to center.  That’s 6 walks for Joba, a career high.  91 pitches so far.  He’s done after this inning, no question.

9:18 Joba walks Nancy and goes 2-0 on Lowell. 2-1.  Sarcastic cheer from the home crowd.  Fouled back, 2-2.

9:19 Lowell lines one past Jeter to score the catcher, bases stay juiced.  9-4.

9:22 Kotchman swings at everything to strike out.  Thank you Casey, I don’t think Joba threw a strike in that at bat.

9:23. Led Lowrie has an irritated left forearm.  I have an irritated brain from all this Joba nonsense.

9:23 Joba Ks Green to get out of it.

9:25 Joba’s line: 5.0 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 7 BB, 5 K, 108 pitches.  I don’t know what to say.

9:28 Damon stays hot and knocks another base hit.

9:29 Teix flies out, A-Rod singles to left.

9:31 Matsui doubles down the left field line to drive in Damon and A-Rod, Matsui moves to 3rd on the wild throw to home by Nick Green.  Rob Thomson is a gambler, A-Rod might have been out with a good throw.  11-4.

9:36 It’s 9:36, which means this game is 2 1/2 hours long through 5 innings.  I’m a paper writer, not an equation solver, but I’d say that means this game projects to be 4 1/2 hours long.  That is unbearable, unthinkable–as Michael Kay would say, unmanagable–and totally unacceptable.  This is ludacris.  I’m glad the Yanks are winning, otherwise I would be asleep.

9:40 Great start to the 6th inning: Robertson struck out Ellisbury but Jacoby is safe at first on a wild pitch, and Pedroia walks.

9:44 Martinez is finally kept off the basepaths as he strikes out.  2 on, 1 out.

9:45 Twitter isn’t letting me post right now.  I hate when technology fails me.  Way back in 2007 I wouldn’t have cared at all if strangers didn’t know my random thoughts about a Yankee game in August, but in 2009 I spent 20 minute and five tries trying to get a two sentence thought on the internet.

9:49 Youk down looking.  SIT DOWN!

9:52 Coke gets out of the inning.  There have been 679 baserunners though 5 and a half innings.

9:59 Yankees traded for Chad Gaudin tonight.  He’s 4-10 with a 5.13 ERA pitching for the Padres this season.  We may need him to pitch tonight.

10:02 Jeter singles down the left field line, driving in Hairston, but is thrown out trying to stretch at 2nd.  Every Yankee now has a hit.  12-4 Yankees, bottom 6th, it’s 10:02.  PM.

10:06.  Alright guys, I’m beat and off to bed, this game should be over.  Hope you enjoyed 1700 words of nonsense.