The Melkman Delivers


Big day for Melky this Thursday!  A go ahead 2 run home run in the bottom of the 8th to give the Yankees the win against the Rangers, and now this.  I feel like Jay Leno: “Have you seen this, have you heard about this?”  A video has surfaced of Melky Cabrera shirtless in a hotel room being interviewed by Mary Carey, the porn star/California gubernatorial candidate.   Here’s a play by play:

Melky is on Youtube!

0:01    Mary Carey introduces Melky like she is a six year old girl presenting her dolls at a tea party.  Is she being childish because people just inherently get goofy when there is a camera around, or does it not matter because Melky barely understands her?

0:05    Nice farmers tan.  Your torso is certainly melky white.

0:08    Should I feel good that I have a better body than a professional athlete, or should I feel bad for sucking at baseball while this guy hits walk offs every other game and bangs porn stars?

0:20    Mary informs us Melky is eating PEANUTS!  Tada!  Look Daddy, are you looking, are you looking, are you watching?  Watch me!  Watch me!  You’re not WATCHING!

0:23    Melky hasn’t stopped shoveling peanuts into his mouth.  This is not a good sign, especially with CC Sabathia on the team.  CC has earned a reputation as the most generous player in the league.  How many steak diners will Melky accept from CC?  If Melky comes back in 2010 looking like Andruw Jones, we’ll know why.

0:32    “Yeah, I like it”.  Not sure if Melky answered her question or just repeated part of her question like a Miss America contestant.

0:37    He understood “personal questions”.  Do personal questions apply to what you just did on camera?

0:40    Melky goes for more peanuts.  Does he not get enough in the ballpark?

0:46    “Seven years”.  Close…fouled tip.

0:48    Don’t you mock The Melk Man to his face!  How dare you.

0:56    Of course he doesn’t have a girlfriend, he’s Melky Cabrera!  He cavorts with porn stars in hotel rooms!

0:59    Melky drops a bombshell: one son!  Melky’s a dad!  Women all over the world just melted for Melky.

1:14    Mary clears up a miscommunication and informs us that Melky is not gay and has a son.  Thanks for that investigative reporting Woodward.

1:17    “I like-a da woman.”  This could be our generation’s “Baseball has been bery bery good to me.”

1:22    “He likes the women.”  We get it Mary, you guys got busy.  Like, 5 minutes ago.  Thank you for the reminder.

1:30    Melky still likes peanuts.

1:41    Melky also like-a da 28.  I’m glad that I not only took the time to watch this, but then I took the time to watch it again and transcribe what happened.  I love my life.

1:49    That’s it!  Melky is done with this interview!  Over!  Finito!  D-U-N done!

1:50    He’s also out of peanuts.

1:52    Yeah, he needs a publicist now that this tape is out, that’s for sure.

1:55    What is the last word Mary says before she shuts off the camera?  “He needs a publicist piecePlease?  Is she that wasted?  Probably.

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