WTF, Carl Pavano?

Dear Carl Pavano,

Great pitching performance yesterday against the Yankees. Seriously… six innings, four hits, one walk, only one earned run and four Ks… you really did the Cleveland Indians proud versus your former team that got punked out of about $40 million when you played in pinstripes. But, I really have to laugh at the irony. Maybe with your “low” money deal with the Tribe, the lowered expectations won’t make your nutsack get so tight. Yes, Mr. Pavano, I’m sure Cleveland can expect more production from you as you gave yesterday (Box Score).

Oh wait, maybe not. In your first two starts, you combined for a 16.71 ERA, including a nine earned run, one inning outing versus the Texas Rangers your first time out, which is actually worse than any individual outing Chien-Ming Wang has had this season… and that really says how sh!tty you really are.

Oh sure, I’m definitely sounding like a disgruntled fan and you’re right – I am. Seriously, how the eff do you come into the new house and pitch as well as you do, knowing that you sucked more than a whore during a recession when you were on the Yankees?!?!?! Why couldn’t you have done that when you wore Yankee pinstripes? And I mean the pitching well… not playing the skin flute. I swore you were Ed Whitson’s illegitimate son before and I believe that still.

Thanks for all the great years of ineffectiveness and injury you gave the Yankees. Seriously, I hate you. And I hope the rest of your tenure with the Indians or any other MLB team turns out to be as awesome as wearing steak cologne while surrounded by a pack of rabid dogs. But, you do have that $40 million you really didn’t totally earn, which really makes me feel like robbing old ladies’ purses, steal candy from babies, and punch paraplegics in the side of the neck and mock them with “You can’t catch me” taunts because, really, it’s the same thing.

Anyway, great game. Now, beat it.

Sincerely,
DV from Yanks Go Yard

P.S. I banged Alyssa Milano before you did… how did my man juice taste?

DV’s Editor’s Note: Despite being ridiculously handsome, massively charming, and owning huge groin meat, DV did not bang Ms. Milano.