Game 1 Recap @ Baltimore Orioles – Oh The Calamity!

Who’s the master? Adam Jones! WHO’S THE MASTER?!?! ADAM JONES!!!

Clap! Clap! Clap! And I’m not telling three people at a health clinic what they have. No, I’m actually giving props to the Baltimore Orioles for their Opening Day victory over the New York Yankees, 10-5 (Boxscore). And not a simple victory, but a straight up shellacking! What happened? Not only is this the equivalent of a swipe at the Yankees’ money and its reckless use, but also a kung fu kick to the testicles!

Both prized free agent offseason signings that played in this game did jacksquat. CC Sabathia went all of 4.1 innings, giving up six runs on eight hits and five walks, and having zero strikeouts. ZERO K’s?!?!?! That hasn’t happened since July 25, 2005 versus the Oakland A’s in Sabathia’s hometown Bay Area. Carsten Charles Sabathia (pulls on Sloth from “The Goonies”-type ear), you better get your stuff right, mister!

Okay, okay, Yankees fans, before we all get our underwear in a bunch, I did mention in the Game 1 Preview that CC basically stinks like the raw clam after she jogs for about three miles. Do I have to give you the numbers again for Sabathia in the month of April? All you had to do was ask:

April (Career): 11-10; 4.47 ERA; 1.39 WHIP; 153 K; 75 BB in 189.1 innings

However, now counting the beatdown Adam Jones (3-for-3; 3 R; 2 RBI; 2 BB) and the rest of the O’s gave CC, the new stats are as such:

Revised April (Career): 11-11; 4.65 ERA; 1.43 WHIP; 153 K; 80 BB in 193.2 innings

As for the other high-priced free agent the Yanks payed ridiculous amounts of ducats for, Mark Teixeira, well, he stunk too as he went 0-for-4 with one BB and left four men on base. It’s like Markenstein got distracted by a little girl and forgot how to hit. Well, Markenstein, you know what to do now… throw that girl in the river and start mashing the ball like the monster you are! NOTE: Beyond my powers and expert ability in being crude, I can reference literary works sometimes. Yes, making this NOTE does make me feel smarter.

So, with the defeat, Sabathia, Teixeira, and the Yankees suck flesh eggs now, right? I know a lot of people are going to exaggerate the loss and performance the way I exaggerate how big I am in my underwear, which is to say a ton. However, it is only one game and the Yankees haters will surely rejoice, throw parties, and hit effigies of Sabathia, but let them. I don’t expect there to be too many consistent opportunities for them to do so, so let the Yankees haters have their fun worrying about our team, as opposed to their own team. Even if it is for one brief moment after a Bronx Bombers’ loss, the Yankees’ names are still in people’s mouths and thoughts (mostly “F$^K YOU, YANKEES!”), so thanks to contributing to the popularity/infamy, Yankees haters.

Also, is it me or does the Yankees’ middle relief look atrocious? Sure, it’s impressive to touch the speed gun in the upper 90s, but if you don’t have control of other pitches to set-up/finish hitters with, well, I think even I can hit a 100 MPH fastball, swinging once the ball is released from the pitcher’s hand… I have fat arms and the reaction time of a coma patient, so I need a bit of a head start. Hopefully, the middle relievers turn things around.

And, while I am being mostly negative in this post (the Yankees did lose afterall), there were some positives like AJ Burnett didn’t injure himself in the bullpen, proving that bad things do not happen in threes! In all seriousness, some positives were that Derek Jeter went 3-for-5 in the leadoff spot, both Jorge Posada and Hideki Matsui hit homeruns, and Robinson Cano went 1-for-3 and drew two walks. Let’s hope Cano’s April doesn’t blow like last season’s April when he hit .151 with a .446 OPS in 106 AB.

The next game is on Wednesday at 7:05 PM ET at Camden Yards. It’s time for some revenge!

Current Record: 0-1