NOTE: the format change. The Futility List is all about that… futility. Sure, many another website will give you a nice and clean MLB team/player power rankings, listing the league from top to bottom, but I say let’s just get down with the bottom of the barrel. The Futility List will give you the top ten worst things that went down the previous week, as well as give you a nice picture of a chick with whom your attempts to pick up are futile. This week, we have Brooklyn Decker.

1. Chien-Ming Wang has been one crappy pitcher, which is so obvious, I probably should have just said, “Boy, it sure does suck to get shot.” No crap, Captain Obvious. Let’s look at what Wang did last week: 0-2/2.1 innings/16 ER/61.71 ERA/14 H/3 BB/7.29 WHIP. There’s now talk that Wang might NOT. EVER. PITCH. AGAIN!!! Okay, that’s obviously not going to happen, but maybe Wang needs to take a trip to find his mojo again.

2. Whoever is in charge of the Washington Nationals uniforms because last week during a game, both Ryan Zimmerman and Adam Dunn wore NATINALS across their chest… yes, without the O. What a dumb cck.

3. The anal Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo and manager Manny Acta for suspending Elijah Dukes for being five minutes late because he was signing autographs for Little Leaguers. “Change the culture”… what a crck f ish!

4. Washington Nationals the team (1-10) – They’ve lost three straight games to the Florida Marlins in the ninth inning and their -21 run differential is second worse behind the Arizona Diamondbacks who are at -22. Source of consolation? Not really because at least the D-backs have won more games (4-8).

5. Chris Carpenter was attempting to comeback like L.L. Cool J this season, although you shouldn’t call it that. However, due to an oblique injury, Carpenter will have to wait four to eight weeks to get back onstage to spit his rhymes… I mean throw his pitches.

6. Potential free-agent pitchers signing with the New York Yankees as 20 home runs were hit in four games at the new Yankee Stadium, which is a record for the first four games at a new stadium. Not exactly looking like a place to keep your ERA down if you’re a pitcher.

7. Alyssa Milano is opening up a boutique in Citi Field. Samantha. The chick that tried to jumpstart her career by doing Poison Ivy 2 and getting some ink to show she moved past the child roles. Maybe I’m just hating on her, but why? In related news, Tony Danza will be the store manager and when asked, “Who’s the boss?” he replies, “Alyssa.”

8. New York Yankees attendance, which has to be partly due to the prices… YOU THINK?!?!?!?!

9. Manny Ramirez said that he would go back to play for the Cleveland Indians and that if he and Chicago White Sox DH and former Indians teammate Jim Thome were free agents after this season they should. Problem? Ramirez has an option to renew his contract after this season, so does this mean he won’t? Ah, Manny being Manny.

10. Ryan Zimmerman and the Nats have agreed to a reported 5-year contract worth $45 million and I don’t know why Zimmerman would subject himself to such punishment. The man is obviously a masochist.

Some guy showed up against the Cleveland Indians wearing Chien-Ming Wang’s jersey and proceeded to give up 8 runs in 1 and 1/3 innings. Cleveland went on to win 22-4 over the New York Yankees (Box Score), but no worries die-hard Yankees fans, the Yanks are still ahead of the Boston Red Sox by half a game.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there is something not quite right with Wang. My theory? Cloning gone awry – it’s so hard to get them to be just like the original.

Current Record: 6-6 (1-2; 5-4); 2.5 games behind the Toronto Blue Jays

It’s not good when Chien-Ming Wang’s ERA is closer to his age than his shoe size. After two starts in which he’s pitched a total of 4 and 2/3 innings, he’s sporting a bloated 28.93 ERA. Wang didn’t make it out of the second inning against the Tampa Bay Rays yesterday who went on to beat the Yankess 15-5. He and the Yankees are not starting the 2009 season the way they had envisioned. The silver lining? At least the Yanks are a game ahead of the Boston Red Sox who currently occupy last place.

Nobody is panicking yet since the season is only a week old. Their home opener at the new stadium is on Thursday against the Cleveland Indians. Let’s hope that the Yankees get themselves going in the right direction soon. Although I already know the secret to turning this team around – bring back David Cone and his Laredo slider. Hey, it is not such a crazy idea when you consider that Nick Swisher has the best ERA on the team after pitching the 8th inning against the Rays, giving up only 1 hit and no runs.

So what’s wrong with Chien-Ming Wang? Nothing according to him but then again, he’s not really a complainer. Wang says he feels fine and he doesn’t understand why his pitches are staying up. The rest of the team thinks that maybe he’s just a little rusty having not pitched since his injury put him on the shelf last season. I have a simple solution for that also – lube.

Whatever the case, Joe Girardi better hope Wang’s pitches look less like giant grapefruits for the other team to tee off on next time he pitches. Sure nobody is pushing the panic button yet, but it won’t be long before the whispers about job security start floating around. In this game, the manager is always first to go.

This afternoon, the third game of the season goes down at 1:35 PM ET in the thus far accursed Camden Yards. The other high-priced free-agent pitcher the Yanks signed during the offseason, AJ Burnett, takes the hill and will try not to put fudge in the back of his jockstrap the way CC Sabathia seemed to do in his first outing as a newly-minted Yankees millionaire. Will Burnett stop the ishfest that continued with Chien-Ming Wang in the second game? Is there pressure on Burnett to produce and stop this couplet of Ls? OF COURSE!

Luckily, however, with Sabathia’s less-than-stellar performance, there won’t be as much of a vice grip on Burnett because, let’s face it, if the number one guy screws up and the number two as well, what do you expect from el numero tres hombre? Oh wait, I’m being stupid… this is the Yankees universe we’re in, so let me be more honest here in this post:

Hey, Burnett, don’t wet your panties, okay? No pressure at all, buddy! BUT, if you don’t pitch well tonight then I will make sure EVERY PERSON that owns a Burnett jersey burns it or uses it as toilet paper! Again, no pressure!

GO AJ!!!

If you play fantasy baseball like I do (save your “loser” jokes, jerks!), then you know that Baltimore Orioles outfielder Nick Markakis is straight pimpin’ pimpin’. He has 20/20 potential (that’s 20 homers and 20 stolen bases for those of you that don’t understand baseball vernacular because you have a thriving social life), hits for average (.300 lifetime hitter as of now), can drive in and score triple digit runs, and has posted an OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging percentage, you winner, you) of .799, .848, and .897 that past three seasons. In general, an OPS of .800 is pretty good. While posting these numbers won’t necessarily score you a babe like Beyonce or allow you to spit incredible flows, it will help you do damage when you step to the plate, and in this instance, against ineffective New York Yankees pitching.

Markakis went 3-for-3 with a dinger, double, and single and drove in three runs in the Orioles 7-5 victory over the Yanks (Boxscore). Chien-Ming Wang, the losing pitcher, was Markakis’ little bitch as he gave up the two-bagger and homerun to Nick-Z… Nicka, wha? Nicka, who? Nick Markakis. Orioles starting pitcher, Koji Uehara, making his MLB debut laughed at the Yankees “murderous” line-up by going five innings, giving up only one run on five hits and one walk. Maybe if he keeps pitching like this, the Yankees can sign him to ridiculous dough in a few years and then have him SUCK while wearing pinstripes. Ugh.

Nicka, wha?

Current Record: 0-2

OMG! OMG! OMG! The sky is falling! The New York Yankees lost their first game of the season! There’s a wolf amongst the sheep and his name is Ron Jeremy! Oh the humanity! Okay, so it’s really not all that dramatic. However, if I was a sheep, I would still clench as hard as possible if Mr. Jeremy were around.

Tonight at 7:05 PM ET in beautiful Camden Yards in Baltimore, the Yankees put Chien-Ming Wang on the mound to try to quiet the Baltimore Orioles’ bats and regain the lost respect and fear the Yankees once lay claim to before losing their first and only game of the 2009 season. How could they do that?!?!?! Not the Yankees! Not CC Sabathia! They’re not allowed to lose and/or have a bad pitching game! The nerve!

So, it’s time to pull the Yankees’ Wang out and show the world once again how dominant the Yankees are. Hopefully he looks better on the mound than he does in a cheerleader’s outfit. Serve ‘em, Wang, serve ‘em!

When he is on, Joba Chamberlain has the ability to deliver four different pitches to the plate and do so in a way that will cause the batter to curse out his mother. He displayed an effective slider against the Cincinnati Reds in his last spring outing, while managing to bring some of that heat that has been missing during spring training. In his longest stint of the preseason, going 5 and 1/3 innings, he was getting the fastball up around 93-96 mph. However, he is still showing that when he runs out of gas, he does so in a hurry. Chamberlain is a classic power pitcher who needs time to ramp up to the heat and fades fast. If this continues, the Yankees may have to reconsider and put him back in the bullpen. As of right now, he is just an average starter, but a reliever who can blow hitters away at the back end of the game.

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The first game at the new Yankee Stadium took place in a wet climate, filled with a palpable excitement, and that fresh new stadium smell. The Chicago Cubs may have had the first player to ever get a hit at the new ballpark in Aaron Miles, but they didn’t have enough to stop the first Yankee to ever get a hit, Derek Jeter, and the power strokes of Robinson Cano (two-run homer in the second inning), Hideki Matsui (two-run dinger in the third), and Cody Ransom (three-run blast in the fourth) as the New York Yankees went on to win 7-4.

Reggie Jackson threw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Yankees, which seemed appropriate as Jackson was the first high-priced Yankee that was either loved or hate because of the money surrounding him, but also the undeniable talent. Sound familiar?

In any case, Yankee starter Chien-Ming Wang looked off and is still in the middle of getting back to form as he pitched five innings, gave up four runs on six hits, and struck out three versus walking two. This was Wang’s first win of spring training, but the Yankees’ ninth consecutive W. They are 23-10 overall this spring. The Yankees look to continue their winning streak with another exhibition game at the Stadium versus the very same Cubs on Saturday.

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