The Yanks are hot, and no Yankee is hotter than Johnny Damon, who is 10 for his last 22 with 2 home runs.  I see a long home run down into the right field bleachers for Damon and a W for the Bombers.  Smoltz is gunna get rocked in Tiny Yankee Stadium.

7:11  Ellisbury grounds out to Cano on the third pitch of the game.

7:12 Pedroia rips a fat 2-0 fastball down the left field line for a double.  There goes the no-no.

7:13 Joba goes 2-0 to his 2nd batter in a row.  Martinez is wearing long sleeves and not crying because he got traded.

7:15 Joba walks Victor on 5 pitches.  Youk is getting booed nice and right.

7:16 Girardi went out to talk to Joba and he immediately went ahead 0-2 on Youk, who pops up to left.  Well done Joe.

7:17 Papi receives another rousing chorus of boos.  I love that he looks so much less intimidating.

7:18 Ken Singleton is pissed that baseball is allowing the list of 104 to be leaked slowly.  Thanks for having an original thought, Kenny.  Ortiz flies out to Swisher, Yankees comin’ to bat!

Is Manny checking out Papi's chest? Was this the impetus for Manny taking breast-shrinking drugs?

7:22 Michael Kay reiterates that Francona says Smoltz is pitching better than his 7+ ERA.  Paul O’Neal shoots this down.  Good for Angry Paul.  Jeter grounds out to Dainty Dusty.

7:25 Smoltz looks like he has good stuff tonight, but we’ll see if he can control it.  So far Damon and Jeter have battled; maybe they’re going old school and trying to get to the bullpen early.  I smell another 4 hour affair.  Dammit, Damon strikes out swinging.  C’Mon, Johnny, I got money on you!

7:28 Teixeira walks with two outs, bringing up A-Rod.  Alex hasn’t hit a homer in 15 games, 62 at bats, the longest in his career I believe.  I need your fantasy help, A-Rod.

7:30 A-Rod quickly down 0-2.  Is it me or does A-Rod go down 0-2 a lot?  I’ve always heard he is a guess hitter, is he just guessing wrong a lot this season?

7:31 A-Rod watches a fastball go by for strike three.  My fantasy team is still homerless for the week…I lead the league in round-trippers.  What dimension is this?

7:33 Bruce Willis is in the stands.  Nice.

7:34 This just in, courtesy of Michael Kay.  Jack Nicholson dancing with 3 or 4 other women.  Is this news, or should it just be assumed at all times?

7:35 Nancy Drew doubles to left center.  Good hit, actually.

7:36 I have to stop updating every minute.  I’m missing the game.

7:37 Youkalis is playing left field tonight, I forgot to mention that.  It looks so weird.  I mean, Youkalis always looks weird, but it’s odd to see him somewhere other than the infield.  Sh*%, Lowell walks, the Red Sox have 1st and 2nd for the second time in two innings.  Nobody out this time.

7:39 Joba is trying to throw a perfect pitch every time, and just missing often.  You have good stuff and this lineup isn’t very good anymore.  Just throw it over the plate.  He does and Kotchman flies out.  Joba then strikes out Lowrie on a 96 mph heater.  There you go, young fella!  Attack the bad hitters, trust your stuff.

7:44 Joba goes down 3-0 on Ellisbury, then Ks him on a nasty breaking ball.  Chamberlain is already over 40 pitches though.  Phil Coke, anyone?

7:48 Matsui grounds out.  I don’t know what to say, except that I am fighting the urge to make a joke about Matsui’s porn collection and the fact that he swings a big stick.

7:50 Posada serves one into left field.  Michael Kay thinks he looks like Andy Roddick.  Served…tennis…GET IT????

7:53 Cano works a walk against John Smoltz.  I just swallowed my gum.

7:54 It was Trident.

7:55 Swisher lines a base hit to right, Posada doesn’t slide at home and he’s out at the plate.  Why didn’t he slide???  It looks like Jorge saw Pedrioa cut off the throw from right field and decided Pedrioa wasn’t going to throw home.  If he had slid he would have been safe, no question.  What the hell, Jorge??  In the words of Billy Madison, YOU BLEW IT!!!!!  Melky lines out to end the inning.

7:59 Wow.  I just Image Searched “Billy Madison” but left out the ‘y’ by accident.  Apparently Bill Madison is a gay porn star.  Let that be a lesson to you: a part-time vowel can make a big difference.

8:01 Dustin Pedrioa just hit a New Yankee Stadium home run.  1-0 Sox.

8:03 Joba walks Victor Martinez with his 51st pitch of the night.  Joba is not long for this game.

8:08 Youkalis act slike he got hit by a pitch wehn the ball missed him by 6 inches.  What a tool.  He walks anyways.  I’m praying for a ground ball DP from Big Papi.  I give it 3:1 odds.

8:09 I am the SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!!!! 4-6-3 double play.  Second Billy Madison reference of the night, for those of you keeping score at home.

8:10 Drew flies out, Joba gets out of the inning with minimal damage.  Still, its unlikely he gets through 6, and as the YES team astutely pointed out last inning, the bullpen is a little thin.

8:14 Ellisbury makes a great sliding catch and bangs hard against the center field wall.  Good jump on Jeter’s long fly ball.

8:16 Johnny Damon goes ballyard to right field.  Johnny Rocket!  I am a freaking psychic.

8:17 Teixeira just missed a home run left of the 399 sign in left center.  A long double for the 1st baseman.  The crowd is into it, and A-Rod gets under one and flies out.

8:25 Jeterian jump throw in the hole is high and pulls Teix off the bag, Lowell gets an infield hit.  YES has shown the reply about 6 times already.  Jeter can do no wrong, even when he does.

8:26 Casey Kotchman lines a homer over the right field wall.  That’s an out in 29 other parks.  3-1 Boston.  F.

8:31 Joba gets out of the inning.  I’m sad though.

8:34 Jed Lowrie has been replaced at shortstop by Nick Green.  Not sure if it’s an injury or if it’s just because Jed Lowrie is awful.  Posada doubles down the right field line to lead off the inning.  Someone is going yard to right to tie this thing.

8:38 Cano lines one up the middle and Posada scores easily.  No need to slide this time, although it would have been good if he slid regardless.  3-2 Sox.

8:41 Swisher walks on 4 pitches.  I smell a comeback.

8:43 THE MELKMAN DELIVERS!!!!! A legit 3 run home run to right.  That would be out in any stadium.  He turned on a fastball up and in and deposited the ball in the second deck in right.  5-3 Yankees.  The crowd loves it.  Cano loves it.  I called it again!!  3-3.  I love it!!

8:47 Damon goes the other way and grounds one past the shortstop.  Man on, 1 out, Big Teix at the dish.

8:55 Sorry, phone call.  Teix doubled over Drew’s head, A-Rod was intentionally walked, and Tito pulled the Hall of Famer for Traber.  Muahahahahahaha.

8:57 Matsui beats out the potential inning ending double play and drives in a run.  6-3 Yankees.  I like what I’m seeing.

8:58 Posada is up for the second time in the 4th.  He’s 3-3 with a 3 run home run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He’s atoned for his boneheaded non-slide.

9:00  Cano singles to left.  What, just a single?  What is this?

9:02 Boston Sucks!  Boston Sucks!  Boston Sucks!

9:03  The bottom of the 4th is now officially 30 minutes long.  This game isn’t going to end until midnight.  I don’t know if I can last that long.  Less importantly, how will this affect Joba?

9:05 Nick Swisher lines one to center field.  It’s a clinic!  It’s Batting Practice!  Someone enforce the Mercy Rule!

9:08 The inning is over after 35 minutes of offense.  Yikes.

9:12 Martinez draws his 3rd walk of the night.  Swing the bat, wuss.

9:14 Joba walks Youkalis on 4 straight balls.  Thats 8 pitches out of the strike zone to start the 5th.

9:15 Ortiz pops out to center.  That’s 6 walks for Joba, a career high.  91 pitches so far.  He’s done after this inning, no question.

9:18 Joba walks Nancy and goes 2-0 on Lowell. 2-1.  Sarcastic cheer from the home crowd.  Fouled back, 2-2.

9:19 Lowell lines one past Jeter to score the catcher, bases stay juiced.  9-4.

9:22 Kotchman swings at everything to strike out.  Thank you Casey, I don’t think Joba threw a strike in that at bat.

9:23. Led Lowrie has an irritated left forearm.  I have an irritated brain from all this Joba nonsense.

9:23 Joba Ks Green to get out of it.

9:25 Joba’s line: 5.0 IP, 6 H, 4 ER, 7 BB, 5 K, 108 pitches.  I don’t know what to say.

9:28 Damon stays hot and knocks another base hit.

9:29 Teix flies out, A-Rod singles to left.

9:31 Matsui doubles down the left field line to drive in Damon and A-Rod, Matsui moves to 3rd on the wild throw to home by Nick Green.  Rob Thomson is a gambler, A-Rod might have been out with a good throw.  11-4.

9:36 It’s 9:36, which means this game is 2 1/2 hours long through 5 innings.  I’m a paper writer, not an equation solver, but I’d say that means this game projects to be 4 1/2 hours long.  That is unbearable, unthinkable–as Michael Kay would say, unmanagable–and totally unacceptable.  This is ludacris.  I’m glad the Yanks are winning, otherwise I would be asleep.

9:40 Great start to the 6th inning: Robertson struck out Ellisbury but Jacoby is safe at first on a wild pitch, and Pedroia walks.

9:44 Martinez is finally kept off the basepaths as he strikes out.  2 on, 1 out.

9:45 Twitter isn’t letting me post right now.  I hate when technology fails me.  Way back in 2007 I wouldn’t have cared at all if strangers didn’t know my random thoughts about a Yankee game in August, but in 2009 I spent 20 minute and five tries trying to get a two sentence thought on the internet.

9:49 Youk down looking.  SIT DOWN!

9:52 Coke gets out of the inning.  There have been 679 baserunners though 5 and a half innings.

9:59 Yankees traded for Chad Gaudin tonight.  He’s 4-10 with a 5.13 ERA pitching for the Padres this season.  We may need him to pitch tonight.

10:02 Jeter singles down the left field line, driving in Hairston, but is thrown out trying to stretch at 2nd.  Every Yankee now has a hit.  12-4 Yankees, bottom 6th, it’s 10:02.  PM.

10:06.  Alright guys, I’m beat and off to bed, this game should be over.  Hope you enjoyed 1700 words of nonsense.

Now we know.

For those of you not on planet Earth yesterday, David Ortiz was named as one of the 104 major leaguers who tested positive in Major League Baseball’s 2003 “anonymous” steroid investigation.  Yipee ki yay, motherf*&%er.

Say yesterday was a bad day for baseball? Nah gah dah.

As a Yankees fan, I’m ecstatic.  As a baseball fan, I’m ecstatic.  That’s right, I said it.  I know I’m supposed to say Thursday was another sad day for baseball, but I’m not gonna do it.  Nah gah dah, as Bush Sr. used to say.  I say, the more light we can shed on the steroid scandal, the better.  A thousand points of light perhaps?

Joe Girardi likened the leisurely release of names to “ripping a Band-Aid off slowly”, and he’s right.  As I said before, it would be best to get everything out in the open in an attempt to get past the Steroid Era ™, but that’s not going to happen.  The test was supposed to be anonymous and the players agreed to be tested as long as the results would never become public.   As much as I would love to know all 104 names, especially the Hall of Famer Jose Canseco insists is on the list, it isn’t fair to the players.  Even if they cheated.

That’s not the point.  The point is that David Ortiz cheated!  Sweet vindication.

It’s not that I wish this on David Ortiz.  I actually like the man.  His This is SportsCenter spot was hilarious, he seems like a big, gregarious lug, and he was the most clutch hitter this side of Derek Jeter from 2003-2007.  Unfortunately he racked up all those clutch hits while wearing a Boston uniform.  He ruined the Yankees 2004 season and along with Manny (two time steroid user, that we know of), Ortiz led the Sox to two (two!) World Series victories.  He helped usher in the Boston Decade of Dominance.  I should loathe the man.

But I don’t.  I like him.  I just hate the team he plays for and the fans that root for him, which is why I love the fact that we finally, unequivocally know David Ortiz took steroids.  Boston lovers can no longer self righteously point to A-Rod and all the Yankees on the Mitchell Report (now revealed as a true farce since part Red Sox owner George Mitchell conveniently left off any Boston players) and cry foul.

We all know Boston fans are insufferable.  We let them have their day in the sun and gave them some leeway because they hadn’t won anything in 86 years.  It’s been five years and now they have two world champions.  I’m not taking any more crap from Beantown fans, especially about roids and tainted championships.

He looks...smaller

To all those Boston fans that denied Ortiz ever used before this: have you seen his numbers?  Ever?  Before Ortiz came to Boston he never hit over.282, never hit more than 20 home runs, never cracked .840 OPS. From 2003-2007?  Papi averaged .302, 1.014 OPS, and 41 home runs.  This year Ortiz is sporting a .228 batting average and is on pace for 23 dingers.

So am I glad that Ortiz tested positive?  No.  I’m glad that two major reasons the Red Sox have two World Series rings tested positive.  Now Red Sox fans must admit they are in the same boat as everyone else.  It’s crowded in here, but at least we’re all in this together.

And now, for your comedy pleasure, some selected David Ortiz quotes:

“I tell you, I don’t know too much about steroids, but I started listening about steroids when they started to bring that shit up, and I started realizing and getting to know a little bit about it. You’ve got to be careful. I used to buy a protein shake in my country. I don’t do that any more because they don’t have the approval for that here, so I know that, so I’m off of buying things at the GNC back in the Dominican (Republic). But it can happen anytime, it can happen. I don’t know. I don’t know if I drank something in my youth, not knowing it.”

“They pick me [to be tested for steroids] every time. I don’t know why. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a big guy, or what, but all I know is all they are going to find is a lot of rice and beans.”

“I did not become good overnight. It took years of hard work for me to become the hitter I am today. I worked every day to be better. And now you are going to say this about me? The minute you put my name with steroids, then I’m a target. That’s what we’re dealing with in baseball now. Any superstar connected to that word becomes a target. And for what?”

“I would suggest everybody get tested, not random, everybody,” he said. “You go team by team. You test everybody three, four times a year and that’s about it.”

And if a player tests positive for steroids?

“Ban ‘em for the whole year,” the slugger said.

“I think you clean up the game by the testing,” Ortiz said Monday. “I know that if I test positive by using any kind of substance, I know that I’m going to disrespect my family, the game, the fans and everybody, and I don’t want to be facing that situation.

“So what would I do? I won’t use it, and I’m pretty sure that everybody is on the same page,” he said.

I suppose it could have been worse than a broken thumb

Brett Gardner broke his thumb sliding into second base yesterday.  The badass stayed in the game, but he had x-rays afterwards that revealed the fracture.  He’ll be in a cast for two weeks and then probably go through some rehab before returning.  The Yankees called up Albaladejo to replace Gardner on the 25 man roster.

It’s a tough time to lose Gardner.  I’ve said for a while I want to see him starting in center instead of Melky, but now it looks like the Melk Man has the job full time.  I’ll miss your speed, Brett, I’ll miss your speed indeed.  Albaladejo was terrible earlier in the year, but maybe he can prove himself this time around.  He has good stuff, he just has no idea where it’s going, which has been the unforunate M.O. of many a Yankees reliever in recent years.

The A’s snapped the Yankees eight game win streak yesterday.  Pettitte cruised through six innings but got into trouble in the seventh, and Aceves couldn’t bail Andy out of a bases loaded, one out jam.  No worries though.  You can’t win them all, even though the Yankees looked like they might during the streak.  The Yankees’ Sergio Mitre takes the hill against heralded young gun Dallas Braden today.  Dallas Braden sounds like the rich heartthrob on a 90210-type teen drama.  I’m going to stop now…

Troy Bolton...or Dallas Braden?

Hate the Yankees, America. I dare you.

I just came from a community theater production of Damn Yankees, and during the third bland dance number (or fourth, or fifth, they blended together), I couldn’t help but smile.  The Yankees were so dominant for so long that some poor schmuck felt the need to write a musical about how badly he wanted the Yankees to lose.

For those of you who don’t know, Damn Yankees stars Joe Boyd, a 50-something Washington Senators fan who hates those damn Yankees for pounding on his beloved team.  Joe is so desperate for a pennant that he makes a deal with the devil to transform him into a 22 year old Joe Hardy, who hits over .500 for the Senators en route to an American League Championship.

The plot isn’t the point.  The point is the Yankees got under people’s skin in the 1950s.  Non-Yankee fans HATED the Yankees.  They always won, and they knew it.

The Yankees are reclaiming this glory.  In recent years the Red Sox hold the Most Hated Team belt.  Their team is good, their players are dirty (not unsportsmanlike, but unhygienic.  What women would kiss Kevin Youkilis for less than $500 an hour?), and their fans are insufferable.  It’s time to recapture the title Yankee fans.  We don’t have to be as annoying, but our team is better and our players are just as ridiculous.  Swisher, AJ, Damon, Melky…they’re ridiculous!  C’mon Yankee fans, band together and help the Bombers become the most hated team in America once again.  More to follow in the days ahead…

It was between this and a topless Melky in Marey Carey's hotel room.

Burnett looks 65 in this photo.

The Yankees lost their last three games prior to the All-Star break and dropped three games behind the Al East leading Red Sox.  Those games seem like a season ago.   Since then Prince Fielder won the Home Run Derby, Walter Cronkite became the 37th celebrity to pass away this month, and the Yankees completed two impressive three-game sweeps of the Tigers and Orioles.

They’ve done it with starting and relief pitching, which gives me a warm and gooey feeling on the inside.  We all know this offense is going to hit, but I’m never quite sure what to expect from the Yankee arms.  Lately, Yankee pitching has been gravy.

They won three games in a row by the score of 2-1.  In April that seemed about as likely as Indiana Jones and his crystal skull surviving three consecutive waterfalls in a 1950s Russian jeep (I hate you George Lucas…thanks for ruining my two favorite childhood franchises).  In fact, the Yankees have NEVER won three games in a row 2-1.  I don’t know what’s more remarkable, the fact that the storied Yanks never accomplished this before, the fact that they managed only six runs in three games, or that they held the Tigers and Orioles, two good offensive clubs, to only three combined runs.  I guess it doesn’t matter; what matters is that the pitchers are dealin’ and the Bombers are winnin’.

Six Pack...I'm an alcoholic, sorry

AJ Burnett has been filthy over his past six starts.  Six pack of stats: 4-1, 1.82 ERA, 36 Ks in 39.2 innings.  Nice!  Even Joba looked good in his last outing.  Could the Yankees staff (at least 1-4) be finally gelling?  Hopefully.  Both CC and AJ are traditionally strong second half performers.  Pettitte, if nothing else, is consistently…what’s the word…consistent.    We’ll see about Joba, but I’m optimistic.

We might be witnessing just another hot streak.  They happen periodically during the course of a baseball season, like asinine congressional infighting and awful action sequels.  Or, it could be the genesis of a renewed culture of winning within the Yankee organization.  At this point last year the Yankees expected to lose.  Now, finally, they expect to win.  Joe Girardi had this to say after today’s 6-4 victory over Baltimore: “It has been very professional the way these guys have gone about their business. Every day you come in and expect to win.”

Exactly!  You have to believe you can win before you can win.

I’ll leave you with one more excellent Yankee quote from today.  In the top of the second, Nick Swisher dropped a routine fly ball that got Burnett into some trouble, but he made up for it by making a fantastic running catch for the third out.  As Swisher jogged off the field, Burnett waited for his teammate and dropped this pearl of eternal wisdom on Swish: “Just when I think you couldn’t possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this…and totally redeem yourself!”

Samsonite! I was way off!

I’m making a new poster: Everything I Need To Know I Learned From Dumb and Dumber.

Most baseball plays last less than a second.  The pitcher throws the ball towards home plate and the batter decides whether or not to swing.  It’s quick, simple, instinctual, and doesn’t require much thought or reflection.

Baseball reflection...get it?

Baseball analysis is the opposite.  In every game both teams combine for somewhere between 200-300 pitches thrown (in a Yankees-Red Sox game the total can approach 9,000), and this happens 162 times a year, every year.  That’s a loooong season, my friend.  That’s why I try to keep this blog even keeled and not freak out about any one game.

We all have visceral reactions to certain games throughout the season, like when the Red Sox swept the Yankees for the first time…or the second time…or that third time.  I hate Boston.

The great thing about baseball is that we can wake up the next day and realize last night’s game didn’t mean a whole lot.  We get angry and curse the bullpen, the lack of clutch hitting, whichever goat booted the grounder, and then we get over it.  Or we whip the remote through the flat screen.  Whatever.  We react, and then we reflect.

Football doesn’t allow us the same level of rationality.  The NFL season is 17 weeks of constant consequence; every loss could be The One That Cost Us The Playoffs.  Every win is The One That Turned The Season Around…until the next loss.  We can analyze each game to death because every game matters enough to deserve the scrutiny.

We can’t put every baseball game under the same football microscope.  You’ll drive yourself crazy studying every pitch and dissecting every swing.  Sometimes A-Rod hits a good pitch out, and sometimes A-Rod whiffs on a hanging breaking ball.  That’s baseball.

Hit or miss. That's baseball. I love puns.

Now that I’ve said all that, I suppose I should actually include some analysis. The Yankees are at the halfway point in the season, so let’s quickly assess where they are right now.  Are we happy with what they’ve done?  Can they improve?  I’m a glass half full kind of guy, so let’s look at the pros first.

Pros:

The Yankees have the second best record in the American League and the third best record in all of baseball.

They have scored more runs than any team in the league and have the 4th best run differential, and they’ve manufactured all these runs while missing A-Rod and Posada for a month each.

They have a winning record on the road.

They have the best lineup in baseball, with the possible exception of the Phillies.

The Yankees have four of the top 34 pitchers in the American League (ranked by ERA).  I know that doesn’t sound so impressive, but it is.  It’s like having two above average 3rd starters for your 3 and 4 starters, which is nice.

They’re 14 games over .500 despite Chien-Ming Wang starting nine of them.

Cons:

The Padres, Orioles, Nationals, and Indians are the only teams to have allowed more runs than the Yankees.

The Yankees are 2-12 against the Red Sox and Angels, teams New York will almost certainly have to face in October.

The bullpen ain’t great.

The Yankees still don’t have a set up man to get to Mariano.

All those Cons are scary, but the fact is the Yankees have the second best record in the American League and are only three games out of 1st in the East.  I’m happy with where the bombers are right now.  I’ll start panicking in September.

Follow me on Twitter and learn what’s on my mind grapes.

Obama has some movement on that changeup

1. George W. Bush has a better fastball than Barack Obama.  Hopefully a president’s ability to throw a ceremonial first pitch is inversely proportional to his ability to run a country.  (Still, watch Bush’s pitch after 9/11 and try not to get chills.  The president had something like a 90% approval rating then.  Based on his speech from the rubble of the World Trade Center and this pitch, Bush was poised for a historic presidency.  Oh what could have been.)  Also, what was with the original camera angle for Obama’s pitch?  It was like FOX didn’t want to show the last five feet of his throw, just in case Obama bounced it in there.  Can’t wait to hear what Hannity has to say about that.

2. This game flew by…too bad it started at 8:50 p.m.

3. Thank you to Chris Rose for making me realize I cannot take anyone over 35 seriously with a haircut like that.  It’s making me reconsider my job interview do.

4. Derek Jeter can do no wrong.  Jete went 0-2 but got included on the Game Recap graphic because he scored two runs.  John Anderson on SportsCenter said he had a great game.  Whatever, I’m just glad Lincecum didn’t break his wrist.

5. Ichiro REALLY loves Barack Obama.  Did you see Ichiro’s face while the president was signing a ball for him?  Giddy as a schoolboy.

I thought this was awesome, so here you go

6. Reason #176 Why I Hate Tim McCarver: He had the privilege of talking baseball with the president.  Also, it’s official, the United States is out of money.

7. What a defensive game this was.  I can’t even remember all the great plays, but just about every position had a chance to flash the leather.  Crawford’s home run saving catch was great, but there were four or five other plays that rivaled it.  Can’t wait for the Web Gems.  Teams are definitely placing a greater value on defense now that #6 hitters aren’t bashing 30 home runs a season anymore.  By the way, Carl says he never robbed a home run before.  That surprises me.

8. I love that Albert Pujols pronounces the word “and” like it has a “g” in it; “ang”, like “hang” without the “h”.  Speaking of Pujols, I’ve never heard him say more than eight words at once.  I heard about 20 minutes worth of Pujols this weekend.  Says all the right things.

9. Busch Stadium is incredible.  I’ve never been, so I don’t know how it feels to sit in a seat and watch the game, but the views over the outfield wall are breathtaking.  Just seeing that stadium makes me want to move to St. Louis.  Then I remember it’s in Missouri…

Follow me on Twitter and learn what’s on my mind grapes.

Top of the 1st

Scott Baker on the hill.  Derek Jeter is still coughing but bloops a single over Punto.  Gotta stop showering with naked men. Classic swing by Jeter, fighting off a high fastball into right center.

Damon is fooled by a high and inside changeup and called out on strikes.  Nice frame job by Mauer, I’m not sure if that was a strike.

Teix is a .364 career hitter against the Twins and hits a broken bat single to center on the first pitch.  He pulled a down and away changeup.  Jeter advances to 3rd, Teix is 9-17 with 3 HRs against the Twins as a Yankee.  Cone says he is strong.  He’s right…not very insightful, but right.

A-Rod hits .370 with 21 HRs and 52 RBI in 55 games at the Metrodome, but he pops up to Morneau on an offspeed offering from Baker.  Two outs, A-Rod fails to score Jeter.  So unclutch!!!

Matsui is 9 for his last 18, and starts the at bat 2-0.  He hits .328 against the Twins.  Does anyone not hit the Twins well in this lineup?  Another high called strike, the Yanks need to be aware of this.  Matsui lines an outside pitch to left center, great hit off a 92 mph sinker.  1-0 Yankees.  After being a model of consistency, Matsui is now streakier than Robinson Cano.

Swisher has a great eye but is vulnerable to the high strike.  Baker knows it and is pounding him upstairs.  Swisher is fighting off a lot of 0-2 pitches.  Baker strikes him out swinging on a good fastball upstairs.  1-0 good guys, Twins comin to bat.

Bottom of the 1st

Big CC takes the mound against Denard Span, who is a pretty good leadoff man.  CC throws him six straight fastballs, alternating inside/outside, and gets a soft grounder to 2nd.  1 out.

CC has good numbers recently against the Twinkies.  Perhaps he was told he would get actual Twinkies for every win.

Brendan Harris…not so great. 311 OBP.  CC throws five more fastballs and Ks Harris swinging.  2 out.

Joe Mauer…goddamn.  He’s hitting .389 and gets on base over 46% of the time.  He needs 5 plate appearances tonight to qualify for the batting average lead, let’s hope he doesn’t get there.  CC throws his first breaking ball to Mauer, but it’s outside, 2-2.  Next pitch is a fastball grounded to Jeter, 3 out.  1-0 Yanks.

Top of the 2nd

Cano looks a little off on Baker’s fastball, so Baker throws a 1-2 slider and Cano doubles down the right field line.  Cano AND Matsui get hits in their 1st at bats; good sign.  I need a stats guy to look up the Yankees record when Cano and Matsui get a hit in their first AB.  I bet they are 22-0.

Gardner grounds a high pitch off of Baker and the shortstop can’t get to it in time.  It’s an infield single for Brett, Cano moves to third.  Gardner’s swing reminds me of Johnny Damon.  It’s a hacking, ugly motion, but with his speed it works.  Hmmm, both speedy centerfielders with below average arms and an uppercut swing with a tendency to pull home runs just down the right field line…wow.  All Gardner needs is the caveman look.  Damn the Yankees no beards policy!!

Cervelli hits a fly ball right down the left field line, Span catches it on the warning track, and Cano scores from 3rd, Brett tags and moves to second.  Left field is 343 down the line in the Metrodome.  Wow.  In new Yankee Stadium that ball three rows deep…in the old Yankee Stadium across the street.  2-0.

YES replays the Jeter non-steal of 3rd from yesterday.  Over under on 3 more replays/Jeter’s “I was unaware of the rule change” comment.  I’ll take the over.  Gardner goes for 3rd, Jeter fouls it off.

Another replay.  That’s 1.  Cone still thinks Jeter was tagged.  How dare you question the Captain!!  Jeter flies out to right, Garnder goes to third.  2 out.

Damon gets a high chopper off the turf and the shortstop doesn’t even attempt a throw to 1st.  Infield single for Damon, 1st and 3rd, 2 out.

Teix hasn’t hit a home run since June 12th.  Once pitchers wise up to the fact that A-Rod is hitting again, that will change.  Teix breaks his bat again and bounces one in between short and 3rd, Gardner scores, Damon hustles to 3rd.  Sweet, 3 -0 Yanks.

A-Rod falls behind quickly 0-2.  He’s chewing gum and blowing bubbles.  A-Rod would chew gum instead of chewing tobacco.  Sorry, Rod, I don’t mean to hate.  Besides, I need you to get going for my fantasy team.  Dammit, weak hack at an outside fastball, strikeout. 2-0 Yankees.

Bottom of the 2nd

Morneau is the AL Player of the Week, but CC is unimpressed.  Groundout to short, 1 out.

CC continues to fire that fastball, between 92-95 mph.  Yikes, Cuddyer just got a hold of a fastball and puts it in the left center bleachers, 3-1 Yankees.

Crede pops out to 2nd.  That was fast.

CC Ks Delmon Young on 4 pitches.  This is happening too fast!  3-1 Yankees.

Top of the 3rd

Matsui hits a weak grounder to Crede, 1 out.

Swisher jumps on the first pitch and lines it the other way.  Swisher has been aggressive lately, which is out of character for him.  I like it though; if you can hit that first pitch, swing at it.

Cone and Singleton wax poetic about Target field, the Twins new home next year.  Grass!  Sky!  Snow-outs in September!  It’s a good thing the Twins don’t make a habit of playing October baseball.  Cano works a 3-2 count and Swisher doesn’t run.  Now Swisher does run as Cano hits a long out to the left field warning track, Swisher retreats, 2 out, man on 1st.

Baker throws a nasty 1-2 breaking ball to Grander and gets him on a check swing, 3 outs.  Great pitch.

Bottom of the 3rd

Carlos Gomez swings at the first pitch and grounds out to Jeter.  1 out.

CC walks Punto on 4 pitches.

Span lines out to Jeter.

Harris pops up to Teixeira, 3 outs.  (sorry these are short, I’m on the phone)

Top of the 4th

Cervelli hammers a ground ball just past a diving Crede for a single.  I <3 Cervelli.  Could he eventually replace Posada?  He doesn’t have the bat but he already plays better defense.

Jeter walks on 4 pitches, none very close.  Baker is over 80 pitches, maybe he’s tiring?  His trademark control is slipping.

Damon walks on 4 pitches.  For those of you who can’t do the math, that’s 8 straight balls from Baker.  He gets yanked!  Bring in the pen!

Some schmuck named Duensing gets TEix to pop out.

Noooooooooooo!  Carlos Gomez robs A-Rod of a grand slam right over the 408 sign.  That’s the #1 Web Gem tonight, no question.  Cervelli scores on the sac fly.  Wow what a play.  I hate those stupid hefty bag walls out there.  4-1.

Matsui walks on a 3-2 count. (still on the phone)  Bases re-loaded.

Swisher goes to 3-0, then takes a meatball down the middle, 3-1.  Off the phone!  Outside, ball four, forces in Jeter (Baker’s last run).  5-1 Yankees.  That was the 4th walk this inning, no one up in the Twins pen.  Muahahahahah.  The Yankees are rollin!

Called strike 1 to Cano, who is 0-21 with RISP.  My fantasy team is almost 0-21 tonight.  Oh no, sorry, 3-21.  That’s much better.  1-2 to Cano.  Singleton and Cone start talking about walking people with the bases loaded, like Bonds and Pujols.  Pujols is 1-2 with a walk and run scored tonight.  Bonds is 0-1 in calculating how much money he’ll have to pay his trainer to stay in prison.  That joke was a stretch…broken bat grounder to Morneau, 3 outs, 5-1 Yanks.

Bottom of the 4th

CC strikes out Mauer swinging.  Nasty breaking ball.

Mauer and Morneau are the only teammates to make the All Star team in 2008 and 2009.  I still hate you Morneau, for stealing Jeter’s MVP award.  Mauer, I look forward to seeing you in pinstripes, when you will sign a 7 year 140 million dollar deal and play an average of 90 games a season.  Morneau pops up to Cano.  CC is dealin; he’s allowed just 1 hit, the homer by Cuddyer.

Speaking of Cuddyer, he lines out hard to center.  Three up, three down. 5-1 Yankees.

Top of the 5th

Gardner pops a 2-1 fastball to foul territory in right, Morneau makes the catch, 1 out.

Cervelli drills the first pitch he sees…right to Punto.  2 out.  Cervelli has looked good tonight, wow.  I can’t wait for Posada to retire.

Jeter goes 2-2 and slices one to left, but Cuddyer runs it down.  A quick 1-2-3 5th, 5-1 Yankees.

Bottom of the 5th

CC has only thrown 50 pitches so far.  I smell a complete game.  Hitters are batting .207 against the CC-Cervelli battery this season (8 games not including tonight).  I like.  Crede pops out to shortstop.  53 pitches.

CC has started to work in his changeup and the Twins are waaaay out in front.  Brilliant game plan by Cervelli.  Weak hack by Delmon Young produces a slow roller to 2nd and legs out an infield single.  “He can run.”  Thank you Davey Cone.

Carlos Gomez has a “great body.”  Now I’m just picking on you, Coney.  Sorry.  2-2 breaking ball, grounder to A-Rod, just throws out Gomez at first.  Young advances to 2nd with 2 out.

Nick Punto ground a 1-2 offering to 1st, CC out of the inning.  This game is official.  5-1 Yankees.

Top of the 6th

Damon gets called out on a breaking ball up by the letters.  Elbow high.  This is ridiculous.  1 out.

My interest in this game is starting to wane.  Teix is 1-2 right now…but lines one up the middle.  3-4 tonight!  Cone says he muscled it up the middle.  Cone is very impressed by Big Teix’s strength.

No mention of Jeter’s steal of third since the 1st inning.  Weird.  Oh, wait, A-Rod is up.  HE walks on 5 pitches.  I believe that’s 5 free passes issued by the Twins tonight, plus 10 hits.  Only guy not to have a hit is A-Rod.  C’mon man, you’re my fantasy lynchpin!  I need you to come through.

Gomez catches a fly ball from Matsui in the same spot he robbed A-Rod of his grand slam, but this time he doesn’t have to jump.  Teix just gets back to 2nd.  2 on, 2 out.

Swisher walks on 4 pitches to load the bases.  6 walks, 3rd bases loaded situ for the Yanks.

Cano bloops a broken bat single to right center and also breaks his 0-22 with RISP slump.  Teix and A-Rod score, 7-1 Yankees, call to the bullpen.
R.A. Dickey throws a knuckler that doesn’t knuckle so much, and Gardner triples to deep right center.  Two more runs score, 9-1 Yankees.

Cervelli pounds a knuckler down the left field line for his third double and second RBI of the night, 10-1 Yanks.  They’ve batted around in this inning.  That was the 4th hard hit ball from the backup catcher.  I will have your babies, Cervelli.

Jeter strikes out looking.

And with that, I’m done.  This game is O-V-A ova!  (If the Yankees blow this one, feel free to blame me)  Goodnight and goodluck.