Dear Carl Pavano,

Great pitching performance yesterday against the Yankees. Seriously… six innings, four hits, one walk, only one earned run and four Ks… you really did the Cleveland Indians proud versus your former team that got punked out of about $40 million when you played in pinstripes. But, I really have to laugh at the irony. Maybe with your “low” money deal with the Tribe, the lowered expectations won’t make your nutsack get so tight. Yes, Mr. Pavano, I’m sure Cleveland can expect more production from you as you gave yesterday (Box Score).

Oh wait, maybe not. In your first two starts, you combined for a 16.71 ERA, including a nine earned run, one inning outing versus the Texas Rangers your first time out, which is actually worse than any individual outing Chien-Ming Wang has had this season… and that really says how sh!tty you really are.

Oh sure, I’m definitely sounding like a disgruntled fan and you’re right – I am. Seriously, how the eff do you come into the new house and pitch as well as you do, knowing that you sucked more than a whore during a recession when you were on the Yankees?!?!?! Why couldn’t you have done that when you wore Yankee pinstripes? And I mean the pitching well… not playing the skin flute. I swore you were Ed Whitson’s illegitimate son before and I believe that still.

Thanks for all the great years of ineffectiveness and injury you gave the Yankees. Seriously, I hate you. And I hope the rest of your tenure with the Indians or any other MLB team turns out to be as awesome as wearing steak cologne while surrounded by a pack of rabid dogs. But, you do have that $40 million you really didn’t totally earn, which really makes me feel like robbing old ladies’ purses, steal candy from babies, and punch paraplegics in the side of the neck and mock them with “You can’t catch me” taunts because, really, it’s the same thing.

Anyway, great game. Now, beat it.

Sincerely,
DV from Yanks Go Yard

P.S. I banged Alyssa Milano before you did… how did my man juice taste?

DV’s Editor’s Note: Despite being ridiculously handsome, massively charming, and owning huge groin meat, DV did not bang Ms. Milano.

NOTE: the format change. The Futility List is all about that… futility. Sure, many another website will give you a nice and clean MLB team/player power rankings, listing the league from top to bottom, but I say let’s just get down with the bottom of the barrel. The Futility List will give you the top ten worst things that went down the previous week, as well as give you a nice picture of a chick with whom your attempts to pick up are futile. This week, we have Brooklyn Decker.

1. Chien-Ming Wang has been one crappy pitcher, which is so obvious, I probably should have just said, “Boy, it sure does suck to get shot.” No crap, Captain Obvious. Let’s look at what Wang did last week: 0-2/2.1 innings/16 ER/61.71 ERA/14 H/3 BB/7.29 WHIP. There’s now talk that Wang might NOT. EVER. PITCH. AGAIN!!! Okay, that’s obviously not going to happen, but maybe Wang needs to take a trip to find his mojo again.

2. Whoever is in charge of the Washington Nationals uniforms because last week during a game, both Ryan Zimmerman and Adam Dunn wore NATINALS across their chest… yes, without the O. What a dumb cck.

3. The anal Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo and manager Manny Acta for suspending Elijah Dukes for being five minutes late because he was signing autographs for Little Leaguers. “Change the culture”… what a crck f ish!

4. Washington Nationals the team (1-10) – They’ve lost three straight games to the Florida Marlins in the ninth inning and their -21 run differential is second worse behind the Arizona Diamondbacks who are at -22. Source of consolation? Not really because at least the D-backs have won more games (4-8).

5. Chris Carpenter was attempting to comeback like L.L. Cool J this season, although you shouldn’t call it that. However, due to an oblique injury, Carpenter will have to wait four to eight weeks to get back onstage to spit his rhymes… I mean throw his pitches.

6. Potential free-agent pitchers signing with the New York Yankees as 20 home runs were hit in four games at the new Yankee Stadium, which is a record for the first four games at a new stadium. Not exactly looking like a place to keep your ERA down if you’re a pitcher.

7. Alyssa Milano is opening up a boutique in Citi Field. Samantha. The chick that tried to jumpstart her career by doing Poison Ivy 2 and getting some ink to show she moved past the child roles. Maybe I’m just hating on her, but why? In related news, Tony Danza will be the store manager and when asked, “Who’s the boss?” he replies, “Alyssa.”

8. New York Yankees attendance, which has to be partly due to the prices… YOU THINK?!?!?!?!

9. Manny Ramirez said that he would go back to play for the Cleveland Indians and that if he and Chicago White Sox DH and former Indians teammate Jim Thome were free agents after this season they should. Problem? Ramirez has an option to renew his contract after this season, so does this mean he won’t? Ah, Manny being Manny.

10. Ryan Zimmerman and the Nats have agreed to a reported 5-year contract worth $45 million and I don’t know why Zimmerman would subject himself to such punishment. The man is obviously a masochist.

Well, Derek Jeter did it again. He was what many people call, “clutch”. As the game with the Cleveland Indians was tied 5-5 in the bottom of the eighth inning, and with two outs, Jeter stepped to the plate against Jensen Lewis and reminded everyone why he will be known as one of the greatest New York Yankees ever. On a 3-1 pitch, Jeter took Lewis yard and hit what turned out to be the game-winning home run and the run that led to the Yankees’ first win in their new home (Boxscore).

However, Jeter’s wasn’t the only home run hit by the Bronx Bombers who lived up to the nickname as Johnny Damon, Mark Teixeira, Melky Cabrera, and Robinson Cano each had solo dingers. Luckily five solo home runs were enough to win the game as the Yankees did leave 17 runners on base and Joba Chamberlain did not look good at all in his second start of the season, going 4.2 innings, giving up five runs on six hits and five walks with four Ks. Ugly. However, a bright note is that the bullpen, particularly the middle relief (c’mon, do we ever challenge the ninth inning greatness of Mariano Rivera?) looked good as Phil Coke, Jonathan Albaladejo, and Brian Bruney combined to pitch 3.1 innings, giving up one hit, walked none, and struck out three with Bruney getting the win. Let’s hope they keep up the good work.

Current Record: 6-5 (1-1; 5-4); 1.5 games behind the Toronto Blue Jays

As much as possible, we’ll look “outside the yard” to give love to some other blogs that throw down some knowledge we’re digging. Check it:

• Great breakdown of the opening day Yankees loss at the new stadium debacle from a Cleveland POV… (Waiting For Next Year)

• Heath Bell keeps mouthing off and I personally have no problem with it… (Rumors and Rants)

• This isn’t really surprising, is it?… (Chicago Tribune)

• Red Sox Nation… the musical?… (Comcast Sports)

• Sizing Up Yankee Stadium… (Extra Mustard/SI.com)

Every now and then, I’ll post up some videos of some dope music or at least what I think is dope music. I’m an old school dude, growing up in Queens, NY for about three decades before moving to Long Island when I got married. In any case, my formidable years were during the 1980s when I breakdanced in the street and subways, did a ridiculous Michael Jackson (pre-reverse tan) impersonation that had girls coming to my house just to see, and actually saw “Krush Groove,” the “Breakin’” movies, and “Beat Street” in the movie theaters!

But anyway, check out this video by one of the greatest groups in hip hop. Rakim is my favorite MC of all time and some will argue he’s THE BEST MC of all time. It’s hard to argue considering how much he influenced many MCs, such as Nas, that in turn influenced other rappers. I don’t think “Lyrics of Fury” is their most popular song thanks to others such as “Microphone Fiend,” “Follow The Leader,” “Don’t Sweat The Technique,” “Paid in Full,” “Juice (Know The Ledge)”… oh man, they have so many, just hitting it hard… oh yeah, let’s not forget “Let The Rhythm Hit ‘Em” by the way. Anyway, I do think “Lyrics of Fury” is badass and that beat is very indicative of what the late 80s were sounding like, but adding Rakim’s spit on it… CRAZY!

Okay, enough, check the vid and leave some comments. Old school cats, let’s jam on this… new peeps that never heard Rakim, let me know what it’s like to hear a legend.

I cannot lie to you… I wrote about three paragraphs and didn’t like anything that I wrote. Not that I think the words stunk, but because the middle relief has me effin’ frustrated!!! Thanks for melting down during the first game at the new Yankee Stadium, guys (Boxscore). So, I’ll keep this short. Damaso Marte obviously cannot pitch in pinstripes (5.40 ERA in 18.1 innings in 2008; 27.00 ERA in 2.0 innings thus far in 2009). Jose Veras is about half-crappy compared to Marte as Veras has a 13.50 ERA in 3.1 innings in 2009. And Phil Coke needs to pitch like he did in 2008 (0.61 ERA/14 K/2 BB/5 Holds in 14.2 innings) because he’s relatively looking like ish right now (9.00 ERA/5 K/3 BB in 4.0 innings). Am I overreacting? YES! Did my heart just skip a beat in anger? MAYBE! Do I follow the five second rule when it comes to food dropping on the floor and not eat a piece of fried chicken skin that has laid on the floor for six seconds? NO!

In all seriousness, how do the Yankees solve this early season problem?

We need more Nick Swisher, perhaps? Or do we start that whole debate all over again about Joba Chamberlain going in the bullpen? What do you all think? Leave your comments and vote in the poll to the right. Personally, another “Mariano Rivera killing it in the middle innings before handing the ball off to John Wetteland in the ninth” type of scenario sounds nice right about now.

Prediction #1: There will be a lot of people in the stadium, of which some will be inebriated, of which some will defile the new stadium with vomit. Grandmothers across the world that still have the plastic covers on their furniture will feel the echoing pain universally.

Prediction #2: There will be many exclamations and profanities uttered and/or yelled in regards to the price of food and drink, which normally wouldn’t be anything out of the ordinary, but it’s so bad that many a rich people will think of how they can sneak in food the next time they come to the stadium like us ghetto folk. Tip: Say you’re on a special medical diet and you can’t eat the park food… it works.

Prediction #3: When Yogi Berra goes to throw the ceremonial first pitch, many people in the crowd, watching on television or though their computers, and listening to the ceremony will sadistically and secretly hope that Yogi falls down on his follow through. Why? Because old people falling over is comedy gold.

(more…)

During their game with the Tampa Bay Rays on April 15th, 2009, the New York Yankees honored Mariano Rivera by wearing his treasured #42 on their jerseys. It’s a fitting honor for the BEST. CLOSER. EVER. And because of the obvious inspiration that Rivera brings to his team, the Yankees pulled out a 4-3 win (Boxscore) with a Derek Jeter hit in the top of the ninth with guess who coming in the bottom of the ninth for the save… yeah… Mo. BEST. CLOSER. EVER.

You would think the Yankees would wait until tomorrow to have a Rivera tribute when they open up their new stadium. Oh well.

NOTE: If you didn’t know, MLB was actually honoring Jackie Robinson who wore #42 by having every team and umpires wear Robinson’s jersey number. As a bit of history, Rivera is the last player that will ever wear the number before it is completely retired.

After eight games of grueling competition and the assessment by a panel of me, myself, and I, the tally has been made official and Nick Swisher is the best New York Yankees acquisition during the offseason. The voters have said the following about Swisher’s competition…

(more…)

The Futility List is all about that… futility. Sure, many another website will give you a nice and clean MLB team power rankings, listing the league from top to bottom, but I say those teams at the end need love too. So, we’ll start our list at the bottom! It’s not all about the breast… err, best team, you know!

Let’s put the face down and the bottoms up… wait, I’m mixing metaphors again… and let’s get to the first edition of THE FUTILITY LIST!

1. Washington Nationals (0-6)- If baseball were a bar, the Nats would be the guy in the corner with a drink in hand, standing alone, and sweating. Profusely.

2. New York Yankees (3-3) – Going .500 combined against the Baltimore Orioles and Kansas City Royals, two teams not expected to do much this season except watch the “real” franchises above them, is not a good way to get out of the gate. So with the expectation factor in mind, this ranking is about as right as two ugly lesbians being a couple.

(more…)