Yankees vs. Red Sox: A Comical Tribute to George Carlin

Comedian George Carlin. Mandatory Credit: Getty Images

Years ago, the Manhattan-born comedian George Carlin would entertain fans with his original skit entitled “Baseball vs. Football.” Carlin was able to compare the the polar opposites perfectly as he beautifully captured the simplicity and wonder of the game of baseball. “In baseball the object is to go home and be safe. I hope I’ll be safe at home! Safe at home! I’m going home!” By laying out the complexity of football and the basic joy of baseball, Carlin unintentionally allowed fans of both sports to put each in their respective places in a time when football was overtaking the national game. This June will mark six years since George Carlin’s death and as a tribute, we present to you a comparison of two other polar opposites. While this won’t be close to George Carlin’s level, we give you a comical contrast between the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox.

Yankees vs. Red Sox

The Red Sox look like Cavemen from the littlest Pedroia to the tallest Andrew Miller. More lumberjacks or duck hunters than pitchers and catchers I’m pretty sure I saw a piece of last year’s World Series trophy hanging out of Mike Napoli’s beard. The Yankees look like newborns with no hair gracing their face. Just ask Brian McCann who can pass as the Master of Disguise in the full body turtle suite right now. Someone tell them that just because they can grow a mustache above the corners of the lips doesn’t mean they should. We’re tired of seeing facial hair above the upper lip (i.e. Former Yankee Joba Chamberlian).

Red Sox fans park their cars by Harvard Yard and Yankees fans have no place to park. I got my ticket to Yankee Stadium from a buddy but I have to take out a mortgage for a parking garage? Ouch! I didn’t know I was buying the garage! Back in Boston I ended up in Cambridge while walking through the front gate! How that happened I don’t know, but once I found my way back inside, six hours had passed and Clay Buchholz was finally getting ready to throw his third pitch of the game.

Ask the fans if the team won. Neither will say “yes”. The difference is that Boston fans will tell you “They were wicked good” and boys in the Bronx will say “Hey! Fogetaboutit!” Neither is an answer and neither is helpful. I really don’t want to FORGET ABOUT IT because I still don’t know who won the game. There’s nothing to forget. Sorry Sox fans, but I don’t want to see the play “Wicked”! I’d like to know if the team got a win. They could lose a game and still be “wicked good” so I really have no idea. If it was a Yankees-Red Sox game, I’d have to drive all the way to the middle of the country to find out who won.

The Yankees have John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman. The Red Sox have anybody but John Sterling and Suzyn Waldman. Honestly when the game’s on the radio I don’t know if the batter hit a home run out of Yankee Stadium or bunted for an out. Oh boy and I can’t wait to hear Waldman start crying when Derek Jeter shoos a pigeon for the last time in his career. “That ball is high! It is far! It is… thrown to Napoli at first and there are two away. By the way, someone get Suzyn a tissue, I think a pebble just fell out of Derek’s shoe.” Not cool. Really not cool. Count your blessings Sox fans.

At a Red Sox game everyone is Irish. At a Yankees game everyone is Italian. Each cheer exactly the same… by cursing and jeering. So many hand motions at Yankee Stadium that the fielders don’t know which hand belongs to their teammate. There’s our excuse for Eduardo Nunez. Red Sox fan’s curse so much that it would make Eminem run and hide. He couldn’t get too far because David Ortiz is in the clubhouse throwing out F-Bombs. (No but seriously. I loved Ortiz’s speech. Great rally cry after all that happened.)

Both team’s had to deal with Bobby Valentine but only the Red Sox were crazy enough to hire him. Seriously Boston? The first day he was hired, citizens in New York rallied together and gave a collective “Oy Vey!” After that season, he’s going to have to try and sneak back into the game of baseball with a disguise on. But really, IT’S ALL KEVIN YOUKILIS’ FAULT! Thanks but no thanks Bobby-V! Now apologize Red Sox fans so that we New Yorkers can give you a nice friendly “Fogetaboutit!”

We can all laugh and make joke at one another. We should be able to. From the outside looking in, it was an amazing season for the Red Sox and I think that all of us Bomber fans are praying for something like that. There’s not a lot of rivals out there who get along as well as we do. So I hope you enjoyed our Yankees vs. Red Sox tribute to the great George Carlin. Opening day is fast approaching and honestly, “I’m wicked psyched!”