The Futility List is all about that… futility. Sure, many another website will give you a nice and clean MLB team power rankings, listing the league from top to bottom, but I say those teams at the end need love too. So, we’ll start our list at the bottom! It’s not all about the breast… err, best team, you know!
Let’s put the face down and the bottoms up… wait, I’m mixing metaphors again… and let’s get to the first edition of THE FUTILITY LIST!
1. Washington Nationals (0-6)- If baseball were a bar, the Nats would be the guy in the corner with a drink in hand, standing alone, and sweating. Profusely.
2. New York Yankees (3-3) – Going .500 combined against the Baltimore Orioles and Kansas City Royals, two teams not expected to do much this season except watch the “real” franchises above them, is not a good way to get out of the gate. So with the expectation factor in mind, this ranking is about as right as two ugly lesbians being a couple.
3. Cleveland Indians (1-5) – It’s nice to see Pronk (Travis Hafner, if you didn’t know) getting ugly again with his bat, and I don’t mean ugly meaning Kristin Wiig playing a character, I’m talking about ugly meaning Kristin Wiig out of character. Hoooooot! In any case, despite my predictions, as well as others, for the Indians to win the AL Central, it’s looking a lot like Kristin Wiig playing a character right now. Take off the make-up, Tribe!
4. Houston Astros (1-5) – The ‘Stros have only lost two games badly with three games being very close. However, because their only pitcher with a W sounds like half a vegetable (Doug Brocail) and I hate vegetables, moral victories count as much as the kid picked last in a game of dodgeball.
5. Anyone that pitched to Nick Swisher (.471 BA/1.668 OPS/2 HR/9 RBI), Evan Longoria (.481 BA/1.667 OPS/5 HR/10 RBI), or Miguel Cabrera (.520 BA/1.546 OPS/3 HR/10 RBI). Next time bring some leaves because maybe they’ll rake those instead of your pitches.
6. Anyone that hit against Johan Santana (1-1/0.71 ERA/20 K/12.2 IP), Josh Johnson (2-0/0.57 ERA/15 K/15.2 IP), and Erik Bedard (1-0/2.03 ERA/15 K/13.1). How’s the back feeling?
7. Arizona Diamondbacks (2-4) – Sure, it’s bad when you lose your first two series of the season, but it’s worse when they’re to two NL West division rivals. Also, Mr. Upside, Justin Upton is 0-for-9 with five Ks thus far this season and will probably be sent down to the minors. BUT WAIT! That’s not all. Brandon Webb just went on the 15-Day DL. Ouch.
8. Pirates (not from Pittsburgh) who raid U.S. ships off the coast of Somalia. Face!
9. Boston Red Sox (2-4) – Their losses have been close, but like the Yankees, there are high expectations for the Sox to consider. Obviously, the Tampa Bay Rays and ANAHEIM Angels are tough opponents, but again, “last pick” and “dodgeball,” my friends. Also, the team needs David Ortiz and Mike Lowell to start hitting, otherwise, it’ll be weak chowder in Beantown.
10. Tim Lincecum – Well, so much for him being a freak of nature. In two starts thus far, the petite as Natalie Portman pitcher has gone 8.1 innings, struck out 10, but walked six and gave up 14 hits. His ERA is 7.56 with a WHIP of 2.40. Maybe it’s still too early to get worried, but Lincecum will need to stop letting batters get hits (.308 BA/.932 OPS) and maybe cut his emo hair to right his ship.
11. Society – “Hannah Montana: The Movie” topped the box office this holiday weekend. How could this happen?!?! Couldn’t we have given “Fast & Furious” just a little more support? Great movie by the way, but (in my best Homer Simpson) I can’t believe Vin Diesel ends up being Paul Walker’s dad at the end. Oh, and Jordana Brewster is in the movie!
12. For fantasy baseball aficionados, who’s closing? It’s a mess with the St. Louis Cardinals at this point, but maybe when Chris Perez makes it back, it won’t be. Who will close in ANAHEIM? Brian Fuentes hasn’t been doing too well thus far and Scot Shields is more than capable of closing. Is it a situation with the Seattle Mariners between Brandon Morrow and David Aardsma? How about with the Chicago Cubs? Kevin Gregg or Carlos Marmol? The closer carousel is as much fun as having beans for lunch before a three-hour seminar full of hot women. Am I speaking from experience? Maybe…
13. Florida Marlins (5-1) – The Marlins being in first place atop the NL East isn’t too surprising considering they always seem to do this year-after-year, living off of their young super-talent. Sorry, CHEAP young super-talent.
14. Woody Harrelson – To me, this is a great reason to beat a member of the paparazzi. ZOMBIES!
15. St. Louis Cardinals (5-2) – The Cards are doing it with pitching and it looks like Chris Carpenter is back, which is as good news for the rest of the league as another season of “Rock of Love”. Seriously, I’m a dude, but it’s over Brett Michaels and your knack of getting away with kissing chicks one after another. Am I jealous? Now, why would I be envious of having herp mouth?
16. San Diego Padres (5-2) – The Padres’ offense, generally, well, stinks worse than knowing next season is the last season of “Lost”. Thankfully, the pitching is as good as watching any season of “Lost”. Specifically, Kate. Wet. And scantily clad. Juliet has NOTHING on Kate and if Sawyer was a smart man, he’d choose “Freckles” the same way you should choose that the Padres won’t continue to do this well. Yes, just like “Lost,” savor the good times while you can, Pads fans.
17. Baltimore Orioles (4-2) – Honestly, there is talent here, mostly on the offensive side of things. Brian Roberts, Nick Markakis, Aubrey Huff, Luke Scott, and probably the most intriguing, Adam Jones. Jones seems to have figured it out early this season, and if he truly has, he’s a superstar this season. And, don’t forget, super duper prospect, Matt Wieters is in the minors just salivating (like you are at the picture to the left) to make it to the big show. I do expect a fall, however, since the pitching isn’t quite ready to help out consistently.
18. Toronto Blue Jays (5-2) – It’s Roy Halladay and the offense that’s throwing haymakers like Mike Tyson back in the 1980s! The Jays lead all of MLB land in runs scored, but how long will it last? I’ll tell you this much, don’t be surprised that Adam Lind is doing well. And watch out for Travis Snider this season. Hopefully they don’t run into the equivalent of Robin Givens.
19. Seattle Mariners (5-2) – Last season, the Mariners finished as the worst team in the American League with a 61-101 record. As of now, they lead the AL West and they’re doing it without Ichiro. This is definitely a feel-good type of story here, especially when you consider that Ken Griffey Jr. is back with the team that he started with. However, like most of the teams doing well right now, IT’S EARLY! I mean, c’mon, I have the Mariners, Jays, Orioles, and Padres as tops in the league!
20. Kenny Powers lives again after HBO decided to renew “Eastbound and Down” for a second season. Did Kenny Powers sweat it? Not according to his Twitter account – “I told you assholes that the only thing you had to worry about getting renewed was my fucking subscrip to ‘Preggo Punani Quarterly.’” Guess not.
Topics: Arizona Diamondbacks, Baltimore Orioles, Boston Red Sox, Brandon Webb, Brett Michaels, Carlos Marmol, Chicago Cubs, Chris Perez, Cleveland Indians, David Ortiz, Doug Brocail, Erik Bedard, Evan Longoria, Houston Astros, Johan Santana, Jordana Brewster, Josh Johnson, Justin Upton, Kansas City Royals, Miguel Cabrera, Mike Lowell, Natalie Portman, Nick Swisher, Paul Walker, St. Louis Cardinals, Tim Lincecum, Travis Hafner, Vin Diesel, Washington Nationals