New York Yankees Sign Kenny Powers

The New York Yankees signed mercurial pitcher Kenny Powers today to a non-guaranteed, incentive-laden, one-year $132,439.81 contract. Agent Stevie Janowski negotiated the financial terms with the franchise, as well as the recent endorsement deal with Trojan condoms. This will be Powers’ second stint with the club as he pitched for the Yankees in 2003 appearing in 64 games, with a 4.74 ERA, 79 strikeouts versus 20 walks in 62.2 innings, and going 7-3 with 39 saves.

Yanks Go Yard was able to secure an exclusive interview with Powers as he reported for spring training.

NOTE: I am publishing the interview verbatim and Powers’ language could be deemed offensive to some, so I will use symbols in the appropriate areas.

Yanks Go Yard: Hey, Kenny, it’s great to meet you. Thanks for the interview.

Kenny Powers: Do I know you?

YGY: No.

Powers: Then why the f#%k are you calling me Kenny?

YGY: My apologies, Mr. Powers. You just seemed like a laid-back kind of guy, so I thought…

Powers: Well, there’s your problem, Mr. $h!tnuts. If you’re here to interview me then f#%kin’ interview me. Like Yoda says in those Star Trek movies, “Think not, bitch, do it just f#%kin’.”

YGY: I think you mean Star Wa… nevermind. So how does it feel to be back in the majors with, of all teams, the New York Yankees?

Powers: How the f#%k do you think it feels? It’s like I won the cocaine and whore lottery and all I gotta do are rails and bang sluts in the @$$. By the way, if you’re going to bang sluts in the @$$, use Trojan condoms. And if you’ve got ridiculously huge groin meat like me, use the Magnums.

Stevie Janowski: Awesome job with the Trojan plug, Kenny. I can’t believe it… New York, bitches!

Powers: Stevie, shut the f#%k up. Anyway, like I was saying… all I gotta do is inhale that powdery heaven and tag butts, which is really an analogy for me to just pitch my balls off because all three things are second nature to me.

YGY: I’m not sure I get the analogy, but let’s keep going. You’re entering a clubhouse that will already be under fire because of the Alex Rodriguez steroids controversy. What are your thoughts on the situation?

Powers: I have no thoughts. I care about Alex Rodriguez as much as I care about those dumb penguins in Antartica that can’t find fish to eat and survive. Why the f#%k should I give a hemorrhoided @$$hole about them? They don’t affect Kenny Powers’ life. For all I care, they can all suck Santa Claus’ d*^k. And if Santa looked like Alex Rodriguez, A-Rod would probably smoke that North pole like he was giving himself a hummer. What an egotistical jerk.

YGY: Alright, since you are indifferent to Rodriguez’s behavior, how about yourself? Do you take steroids?

Powers: What the f#%k are you doing? Are you trying to ruin me before I get re-started in the bigs? Huh, @$$hole? Because let me tell you something, I will end you. End. You. Honestly, your daddy should’ve got rid of you by giving your mom a hard c^nt punt with a steel-tipped boot when he had the chance… or used Trojan condoms to keep the love juice from entering your mom’s used up pu$$y.

SJ: You’re a marketing genius, Kenny.

YGY: Stevie, shut the f#%k up. Listen, f#%kface, this interview is over.

Unfortunately, the interview was short and, honestly, empty of any value. However, Yanks Go Yard will follow the progress of Powers as he tries to find the success he was once had several years ago. We wish Mr. Powers nothing but the best.